08/12/17

Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. As for me, I’m fine so I think…

I will not be a harsh judge of myself. I will try not to be a harsh judge of myself. So the first thing I will say is that the date went really well ! It’s best I just say that. I say it went well because I was 100% comfortable and I was being myself completely with very little worries.

Let’s talk about the mistakes:

  1. Delayed text ! — I received a bunch of text this morning from various people. One in which it was her saying give her another hour because she is not ready. (I had shown up on time because I didn’t see it. It didn’t come to me until this morning.) No big deal. I’m a bit embarrassed because when I was at her house I received a text from the girl who rejected me. It must have been about 11 at night. I was thinking to myself like, “Why would she text me that response at 11 at night? Now I realize that it was a delayed text. I have no idea when she sent that response. It wasn’t a good response anyways. It only said “I have to work tomorrow.” It was a text that translated to “I never want to see your face again.” It was a text that told me that I should definitely continue to move on. Her lost, so they say, and I’ll find something better.
  2. Alcohol — I haven’t had hard liquor in a long while. I am not sure why I chose to drink it that night. I guess it was a part of me wanting to have fun. Alcohol changes behavior. I guess you will see why in my mistakes below.
  3. Revealing — I’m not sure if it was because I was tipsy, happy, or just plain old relaxed and happy and I was just being real but…part of the conversations were cool and OK. Thinking about it and typing now, maybe it was good for me because I am not comfortable revealing my true self, yet, and at that point with her, I did it with no worries. I noticed parts when I was not comfortable.

    I wasn’t comfortable when I told her that I like reading self help — she doesn’t. I wasn’t comfortable when I was telling her where and how I grew up. I just wasn’t comfortable revealing me because I immediately knew that we were not compatible at all. I will talk more about this point too.

    The unnecessary parts about me that I may want to keep to myself next time is that I told her that I didn’t really know who I was. I’m not sure if this part is bad to tell, but it was 100% true. I don’t know exactly who I am and what I want. I’m at a mix of wanting to be R Kelly like and living with 40 women; and of also wanting to just be the married to one woman and dedicated type.

    I also told her about my various cases of adultery and about how I wouldn’t want to do anything like that these days but I know that I am weak enough to do it again.

    I guess they are not so bad to tell, but it is better to keep that stuff to myself overall.

  4. Reviews — One minor mistake I made is that well, I was going to go to this one place that I had been to before, and I liked. I told her that’s where we were going when she asked me. But when she told me that she thinks she has been there a few times I, with the assistance of alcohol, decided to change plans and go to a different place. The reviews made the place sound really awesome. When we actually made it there, it sucked !
  5. Behavior–We went to a different party after. By this time I was way tipsy and drunk and I was also being me. It is like me to take drugs from strangers and do them; I did that. I danced; that’s like me. I bought beer and gave it away; drunk behavior. I throw empty cups on the dance floor; that drunk behavior and also part of my real self I am sure. I remember meeting a girl on the dance floor once who flicked a cigarette into the crowd in a “fuck them take that attitude” type manner and I like her behavior a lot. My friend/practice date(I’m calling her that at this point) told me that I was rude. She said it softly and jokingly. I was more hammered than her. She drank on the rocks and I drank straight. I heard her comment, was embarrassed because I knew she was right. I just made an embarrassed face and I shut up.

    I cock blocked. Maybe I was right, maybe I was wrong. Overall, at this point, I just don’t think alcohol(or at least hard liquor straight) is a good idea. It is never a good idea. I am sure I was annoying and I was embarrassed. At this point, it was clear that we were not compatible and that we were out as just friends. So when she had shown interest in another guy. I had zero problems with it. I was friendly to him but…

    This is where cock blocking comes in or maybe not? I was drunk and worried about her being too drunk and going home with a random guy, so I decided to take it upon my ‘smart self’ to keep interrupting them. I was telling myself that I would observe her behavior to see if she was too drunk or not and I would make the guy work hard for it. If I did those two things, I would be sufficient at protecting her and saving her and making sure she is happy. I know it makes no sense at all. I even had us leave early. Worst thing ever !

    We got an uber. She went her way and I went mine.

Anyways, I think I wrote enough.

So there we have it; the result is…bottom right yellow curvy line. I’m just in observance of my behavior and where I am at overall. I have a shitload of self improvement to do perhaps.

Take Care !

mind map date jpg

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