07/05/17 part 2

I was a fraud. I am a fraud. I violated her. She was depending on me to be a man. She was depending on me to be a different man, but I think I have shown her that I am weak just like every other guy.

When I was distant, I was doing the right thing. When I caved in, fell in love and asked her out, she saw nothing different about me.

So now it’s over. The situation is not so bad, though. I didn’t get jealous or angry. I just got very disappointed with myself, but at the same time, it made me see the monsters that I may still have within myself. Because I know that I can be very jealous. During this period of being in love, I always thought if she was out with another guy. I was jealous and devastated.

I don’t know why I let myself fall into that. I know the rules–ignore sexual desires and make sure the girl and yourself have the same goes. An emotion is a bad thing. I know the rules, yet I let the emotions suck me in. 

These are new rules to me, so I guess I should appreciate the exercise/lesson and not be too hard on myself. That’s what all of this was, an exercise, a test just to see where I was at, and now I see. I will only get better and stronger. 

Anyways, I think I wrote enough about it. 

Take care !

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