06/28/17

Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I guess I am OK. My love life and figuring out women and what not is a war zone, I suppose. And it is one that I have been fighting for a very long time. I’m not sure if I had gotten any better throughout the years. I guess I should be thankful that I haven’t been….or I guess I should be thankful that I don’t have any kids or wife and that I am still free. Relationships are something that no one has ever really figured out. Some people are just stuck with people that they have settled for.

Anyways, the reason I am feeling a little bit downcast about the whole deal, today is because of my coworker, the one I didn’t like until recently. She is getting very comfortable with me, so she is telling me all of her sexual secrets. Today she seemed excited to tell me that she had a threesome for the first time with her pastor and a lady she considers to be her God mom. She told me that she liked it. It was her first time doing it.

I guess she just wanted my opinion. She told me that she doesn’t have a lot of people to talk to about things like that. She observed my facial reactions as she told me these things. I don’t think I had shown any. I didn’t really judge the situation. A part of me felt sorry for her. Not that I thought what she did was bad. I don’t know what my part was about. I think I am starting to care for her.

This is me being in the friend zone. It’s weird how I ended up here. I just did not like her at all in the beginning. Now I do. She is very sexually attractive to me. I would guess she is telling me these things because she considers me to be a good friend, now? I’ll be the friend. I can handle that. It just sucks that I didn’t end up in bed with her. Now I have to hear the stories about all the guys who did. When will this end?

Maybe I’m just not honest enough with women. When I like someone, I hide it I think. I make up all kinds of excuses that tells me that I am not ready yet. As I write, I just feel more heart broken, and I want to drink, though I haven’t drank in a few months. I want to drink and go back to listening to my sad and slow Erykah Badu songs. Screw it, maybe I should do that now.

She told me that she’s sorry to tell me these things because she knows it’s heavy. I told her that I was OK. She told me that she is sexual, and I told her that most women are, which is true. At the same time, this feels like punishment. Every time I want to hold a woman closely, she disappears. is this punishment for my rejection of my mother? I feel like crying almost, and I couldn’t wait to write, tonight.

Whatever the case, I just have to accept who I am. I can’t do it, tonight. I have to have a drink as I think.

Take care !

P1030480

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