05/02/17

P1030452Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. Today is going well. I am just starting. I didn’t meditate this morning, so I look at me writing as a slight equivalent. I decided to get out of routine and enjoy breakfast. So I prepped all my food before meditating. I still left my tea, though šŸ˜¦ I guess I will have it when I get to work. I wonder if I can run up and get it now.Naahhh, the bus is almost here.

So what am I going to talk about?

Fear.

I am still a fearful person. I don’t think I am afraid to fight another man. I just have the worst in my mind when encountering an aggressive stranger. “What if they have a gun?” is what I fear the most. But why arent aggressive men not afraid or worried about me having a gun? What should I do? Just be aggressive myself? Should I just start fights with people just to get over this type of fear? I want to overcome it.

Last night, I was walking home near the middle of the night as I often do when coming home from krav maga. I always have my hand on my knife and I am always worried and watching my back a lot. Anyways, I walked pass some guy sitting on the porch in front of some home for disabled people. I had my headphones in so I didn’t hear what he said initially, but I took my headphones out because I was slightly curious.

I heard him say. “Let me tell you something, you’re on the wrong side of town. This is a Mexican hood.”

I’m not sure if I got afraid or what. Let’s just say that I did. And I did not like the fear. I’m not sure if I feared him himself. I doubt it, because he was just one fat guy. I’m sure I could have taken him easily. I think I just fear conflict. I don’t want trouble of any kind. I dont want to waste my time getting into things outside of my goals. My main goal was to walk home and get rest, and that’s a 40 minute walk !

I don’t want to stop and do anything. So, I just put my headphones back in and kept walking. I also knew he just had some kind of mental problem. I am still upset that I had a little fear.

I have the same fear when dealing with some of my coworkers. It’s a fear of conflict. I can directly insult them and call them stupid. Some will say nothing and show their more mature side. Some will argue back, and I don’t want to get into shouting matches at all. You know what I mean? I fear conflict. My coworkers actually like me, too, but I reject them. I tend to dislike a lot of coworkers.

Overall, I just hope it’s not the same fear I have had when being bullied by gang members in school. So what should I do? Start fights to get over it or check it?

I missed Krav Maga class on Saturday, mostly because my cell phone shut off and I didn’t get the alarm. I woke up in time enough to bolt out of bed and get dressed to go there, in a rush. It wasn’t enough time to hit the snooze button for five minutes and then get upon and get coffee and have a little time to get out the door, so I stayed in bed after I some up in my own. I will not be hard on myself about this, but I will go next Saturday.

Girls?

Same same, still none really in my life, romantically, at this point. I am not lonely at all though, and there isn’t anyone I can think of that I sincerely like. Though, I am starting to have a little feeling for my friend that has supported me all these years, but I ignore those because she is married.

I am on day 10 of not masturbating. 11 more days until it’s 21. I have been visualizing as much as I can about getting laid, but no serious sit down 20 minute sessions have been happening. I usually fantasize myself to sleep before bed and think of it various times through the day.I guess that would count?

I keep seeing this same girl on the bus no matter how thrown off my schedule is. I just always happen to run into her. She notices me, too, but neither of us have said “hi”, yet. She is young, probably barely 20s, but she looks decent. She’s a little chubby if I want to be picky about it, but is still OK.

I narrowed down what kind of girls I get along best with. So far they are always from other cultures and are quiet and spiritual in some way. Why is that?

I sort of want to see Memo, again. We talk about doing a photoshoot when she is in country again.

Anyways, that’s all I will write about for now.

Take care !

P1030452

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