I need to write.
I think I need to write. It helps me in some ways.I need to express my feelings and thoughts. I feel like it is better to write them down rather than express them to another person all the time. Of course there is a balance. I don’t really have anyone close to me to express these thoughts to all the time. I don’t think anyone does, right? I mean no one knows a person’s true feelings and really deep inner thoughts.I express mines, at risk, to strangers of the world for whatever reason, but that’s different. I’m somewhat anonymous, plus hookers, girls, parties, alcohol, drugs, martial arts, sex, meditation and things like that that I talk about are not really things to hide.
Anyways, this week has been OK. I have been struggling somewhat. Sometimes, I feel like I am wearing myself out. I took a break today from getting up early to exercise. Last night, it was a tad bit hard for me to make that 30 minute walk home. I let myself go and I stopped to have a chicken quesadilla at a place that I pass by all the time. It tasted horrible, though. I came home, took a hot shower and I went right to bed. I felt like I needed to write, so I took the time to do this on the way to work this morning instead of reading.
I have been struggling in my sparring class too. I have been scared of getting hit lately and I have been getting my ass kicked. Maybe because I have been sparring with black belts more, but still. I won’t give up.
This stranger of a girl that I see on the bus every day makes me nervous. Because I see her every day, and I find her attractive. I have all these things going on. I want to see her, so I make a quick glance around the bus every time I get on to get one look at her and see if she’s there. I do this hoping that she never notices. I’m afraid that women can easily sense things like this, though. I make an outward appearance to make it seem like I don’t notice her, but I check her out. I’m afraid that she pays attention to me to, so that makes me somewhat nervous. It makes me stiff and serious looking around her. I will never say anything to her unless she talks to me. I do that with a lot of young girls these days since I decided to stop approaching. It’s the best thing to do I until I finish getting my shit together. Meanwhile, I’m horny as fuck and will have sex with just about anything. I have these female coworkers but I avoid them. I don’t flirt, joke around, or nothing like that. They are not really my type and we have absolutely nothing in common. I judge them. I feel as though they have no common sense and like nothing but drama. We are nowhere near being on the same vibe. They are black. It is very rare that I would have some high level of attraction or be on the same vibe with a black girl, though I am black myself. I get along better with pretty much any other race of a girl. My best friend, who does know my innermost thoughts, actually, is Iraqi. My first loves, both of them, since I ended up dating both at the same time, were Japanese. I had a long time sexual fling with a Mexican woman.Back then, I would have called that love, but it was not. Thinking back, I don’t feel that way at least, but hey, maybe it was. It’s just been too long for me to remember.
I have to go now.
Take care !