Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. Today is going well. I slept at work as planned. I had a very good and comfortable sleep, though. I woke up and had coffee and a good meditation session. I did a little bit of html coding practice at work. I took my ginseng and my fish oil. I am feeling pretty good, and I really do appreciate everything I have in my life. Now, let’s talk about important things.

I still, almost can’t believe that I don’t like my mom. I don’t like her voice, and I don’t like her standing close to me. I don’t want to, but feelings are feelings, and I have to accept  these feelings. Growing up, I couldn’t stand her. I always felt like she yelled too much and for no reason. Today I feel it’s the same. In general, I can’t stand people who have a negative attitude. There are things to yell about and things that are just not worth it. I’m just not a drama kind of dude, and I accept that from absolutely no one. Aside from that, I feel naturally heartless. I don’t have a lot of emotional feelings towards things like family and death. If someone close to me died, I can continue my activities as if nothing happened. Why am I like this. I think that’s a part about me that makes me sad and worried sometimes.

I’ve been sad about how my life and job situation and all has turned out. I’m trying to succeed, but I really don’t know what to do. I feel like I am taking a lot of good action, maybe slowly, but I am seeing little result. I absolutely can’t stand where I work, now. I don’t like the job and I don’t like the people. I have my reasons and I wrote about them in previous journal entries.

At times I think of how stupid the world is, now. All this racism crap I keep hearing about; I’m not involved. I don’t get involved. Day by day, I think about my goals, and take a lot of action to achieve what I want, even if I don’t get it.

Despite all the negative things I just wrote. I am very very very very very very very excited about tomorrow. So far, the communication is between us is perfect. She confirmed without me having to ask or worry. She is the most beautiful girl that I have ever shot with. I can’t believe I am shooting with her. This shoot is a blessing and it is a relief. I have the poses and such all planned out. I even asked the hotel for a specific room. I am going to use this room all the time. I visualized this shoot a bunch of times since I had contacted her. I am well prepared. This shoot will be an absolute release from everything that has been bothering me above, and I really do appreciate her for that.

I will make sure to come with an absolute clean mind, I have to admit. My mind will be on shooting only. Like in the stories I have wrote before, my thoughts are not 100% my fault. A few times a girl has wanted to get ‘closer.’ But I’ll erase those past moments from my head so that I don’t hope for the same things from this one. This will be my best shoot to date.


Take Care !



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