Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. Today did not go by well. The incident is still eating me up inside. I feel like giving up and I feel as though the world is against me and all my efforts in everything are useless. Maybe I have been doing it wrong.

That was for sure one of our best parties and I just leave the camera on a seat, carelessly. Or maybe I just had a lot on my mind–my loneliness that I keep complaining about; my loneliness made me consider what was being offered right in front of me, and that put my mind on a lot of things as well.

I have another camera on the way.

Everything that I am doing just doesn’t seem like it’s working. Does meditation really work? I heard, in a meditation lecture and in other lectures that I’ve listened to that if you’re just doing it for yourself, you’re not going to make it very far. If you’re doing it for other people, you will succeed. Whatever that means, I am considering it. I am 100% a lone wolf–like Omar in “The Wire,” except that I never run with an occasional anybody. Had I had someone with me when I left that night, they would have reminded me to grab the camera and my eyes certainly would not have wondered to the street full of prostitutes.

Will things get better for me? Will I have change? Will I get out of my current condition? Is my current condition all that bad?

I haven’t really had the time to observe the impact of my loss until now. I read a facebook post by the girl who had thrown the party and she is sad too.

On the bright side of things. I bought a better camera and I am sure we have a lot more better parties ahead. I’m saying we’re, but I am not sure if I am a part of them yet. They really welcome me, at least. I’m not comfortable going to other events anymore. I love their music, their performers, their nudity, and all that craziness. They love my photos.

What does a loss, in this case mean? Is it a stupid thing that I did or is it something that’s meant to be for some reason.

I’ve been exercising, eating right, meditating, reading, and doing a lot–donating, yet, I still feel like that same devil. I still have those thoughts as if I am 100% sure that that is how I’m going to go–self taken life, and a comfort and a love for the pain. MAybe it’s because I don’t care for family at all, and no matter what I do, I am forever punished for that?  I feel like I have written enough.

Take care !



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