Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. Today went by well. The past few days…well, they were well, but not so well, so let’s start with that.

Getting to go to San Francisco from LA for the weekend was easy and it was awesome. I slept for the majority of the 7 hour bus ride. The ride was really comfortable. I made it there pretty early, so I had some time to kill before the party. I browsed San Francisco for a while and then I ate like a pig.

I went to a BDSM parade called Folsom just to see what it was about. There were a high volume of gay men masturbating in public. It is an interesting event. I saw live blow jobs and all.

I had an Asahi beer there that was a bit too much for me to handle, but I didn’t get drunk. The buzz was pretty good, though.

I made it to the party that the girls invited me to. They were surprised that I made it up there. The party was really really wild. People were naked. There was sex, and bondage activities, and ass getting chewed out and all. The music was really great, too. There was a sort of famous performer there. She is a punk singer and I really loved her music and her show. I got a lot of great photos of her. I got so many that it kills me to think about it. I will tell you why in a second.

Girls were naked. All of that hotness was turning me on and making me lonely at the same time.

I got some surprising news during the party. That one girl that I keep writing about being so sexy and hot is not as gay as I thought she was. I thought she only liked girls, but before the party really started, she introduced me to her boyfriend. She said it to me three times:

This is my boyfriend.”

I wasn’t shocked, but I was like. OH, OK, so she is not really gay. So I guess she likes both. I’ve become less attracted to her through time and since the last time I wrote about her. The fantasies still come in my mind, just because though. I don’t like her, OK. Well, time will tell if she comes on to me, I know I will not back off and reject her. But she’s just not a big dream for me. I do like the fact that her boyfriend told me that he has heard a lot about me through her. He knew my social media and everything. The girl that she hangs with told me that she talks a lot about me, too. But hey, she’s just a fan of my art, I guess. Something about knowing she had a boyfriend put me more at ease with her. We talked more and smiled a lot at each other throughout the party. I putting myself in more of the…she’s more of a sister to me category you know. Her and the other girl put on a really good show that I loved. They poured milk all over each other and the wrestled each other on all of that milk. She even put some milk in her mouth and spit it into the crowd. It got in my beer. I didn’t mind drinking it still. She was embarrassed by that act. I told her that I thought the act was cool and that I loved all her shows.

So there I was taking pics and taking pics. At the end of the party, I disappeared alone. I looked for some 24 hour restaurants that I saw earlier. I got tired of walking, so I stopped by a pizza joint. I had a slice of pizza and I sat my camera in a chair next to me. I was outside eating. I did notice some beautiful women as I was walking out of the restaurant to go and sit at an outside table. It was two of them at the time. One looked beautiful, but something looked strange about her. She was beautiful, but not quite in shape. Something looked strange about her, but I couldn’t figure it out. She kept looking at me. I sat outside. Those two beautiful girls came and sat outside as well.

Two more beautiful women walked pass me and one smiled and said “hello.” And now I figured it out. Most of the beautiful women walking the streets at this hour are prostitutes. So here is the bad part…

I told myself, screw it, why not? I am lonely and I am in San Francisco. By the time I looked for them I didn’t see any. By the time I realized that I got so excited that I left my camera at the restaurant, it was too late. Someone walked by and grabbed it. I want to be devastated, but I can’t. That party that I had on the memory card is gone, and that’s what’s killing me. It was one of the best parties. The camera was a cheap old one that I liked to use. It only cost me 30 on ebay, and I already bought a replacement. I know that there will be better times ahead with us, so I try not to think about my lost too much.

This is not the first time something like this has happened to me. Welcome to a sort of dark world of mine that no one knows about. I was ready to give up on life not too long ago. For some reason I hated everything. I had a good life back where I lived. Looking back, I don’t think I appreciated everything. I just wanted to run away for some reason. I wanted to either commit suicide or be homeless and not have to worry about anything. When I got laid off from a job. I saw that was an opportunity for me to just pack and leave. I gave the majority of my things away. I took a few clothes and my camera. I guess I still had some hope since I took my camera. I slept in my car and on the streets for two weeks then I told myself that I missed my old life and I went into a transitional housing center that I found out about. My camera was in my car. It was my first camera. I was in the place for a few days before I decided to go back and get my car and things. When I went back to my car, I noticed that it was gotten into, and that my camera was gone. I was devastated. It really hurt. I got over it, but it really hurt.

I ended buying other cameras and I really enjoyed them. I had other cameras that just broke, naturally. I had a point and shoot camera that took really great photos and that I really liked. I dropped it at a party. It just slipped right out of my hand as I was introducing myself to someone. I went to a really great party once. I had a lot of fun that day I took great videos and images. I went to two parties, actually. I ended up leaving the camera on a bus stop. I was devastated, but I got over it. I had another point and shoot that I really liked. It slipped right out of my hand and fell to it’s death as I was introducing myself to a female DJ. I went to visit a friend in Hawaii. I left another camera that I had bought. I left it at his house and he doesn’t want to send it for whatever reason. I guess I will get it on my next visit. I bought another camera, and it broke naturally. I bought this other one, and that’s the one I left in San Franciso. Now I bought another. I don’t want to loose another. I really need to be more responsible.

All of these loses just make me want to give up, though. I have no one to blame but myself in the end. I can’t blame it on luck. I know the girls are devastated as well. We will all get over it, and I will not give up.


Take care journal !




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