09/23/16

p1080355Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. Before I write about my normal day, I’d like to write about a few things that have been on my mind. Am I fake? Am I too serious? Do I care about what people think too much? Actually, I only wantd to write about “Am I fake?” The other questions just came out as I was typing that.

Am I fake? What exactly does fake mean anyway? To me, fake means pretending. It means to act as though you’re something you’re not. It means to act like you have things that you don’t. It means …nah, in a nutshell, that’s all that it means.

Do I act as though I am something I’m not? When I meet people, do I lie and say I have such and such and pretend like I did such and such? When I am out in a club or something, I actually don’t talk. I am a really quiet person. I ‘party’ so to speak, but that’s only to get good photos. When I talk to do that, I ask questions about people and I maybe flirt a little. I don’t think I’m dishonest or fake with that. I’m probably fake with my intentions. I want content that I am afraid to ask for, mainly because I feel like I don’t deserve it because, in my eyes, I haven’t made the person comfortable enough to do it. I’m always fake with my intentions and not asking for what I really want. I have to build up the courage to be more straightforward.

In normal situations, I don’t think that I am fake. I don’t really have anyone that I hang out with outside of nightlife, though. With my coworkers, I normally ignore most of those fucks. I can tolerate only two, so with them, I talk about girls and photography. I do make it seem like I am actually good with women. I will not admit that I don’t know some of the girls that I shoot with and that I pay them. So yes, I am fake there. I don’t mind admitting to them that I am not good with women. I did mention to them stories about my real rejects. I should be more real about that–I don’t know and I pay some of those girls.I don’t pay all of them, though. I meet some in bars and we do photoshoots later.

Are my intentions with the girls authentic? Yes. I really am interested in doing artistic nudes. The onl thing is that with the ones I don’t know, I feel like I haven’t made any real connection with them and I am always aiming for that, so I try and talk and I ask them questions. I know they have to be a little worried about meeting up with a stranger in a hotel room. Overall, they get comortble with being naked. I want to say that the last two seemed uncomfortable making a conversational connection, but actually, the Blonde Russian girl is the one who wanted to talk. I am the one who got quiet at the end. I guess I was worried about how the photos came out and I was thinking about how I would get to Krav class afterwords, and I was tired after three hours of sleep. The red headed girl ….geez, nevermind. No one was uncomfortable aboout nothing, and my conversational connections are fine.

Screw the whole question. The problem is that I worry too much. I do need to be more honest, though. I hide my problems for everyone. I don’t ask anyone for anything–I rarely ask for favors. I can’t remember the last time I asked to borrow money from someone. If I am short, I usually pawn something and then get it back on pay day. I should be more honest about everything that I am going through. I should be more honest with women and about my intentions with them. I remember a day when I did a photoshoot with this model about a year ago. She was very very beautiful and it was one of my best shoots. I had togo and pick her up. As we were driving, I didn’t know her at all, so I wanted to talk and get to know her and make some kind of connection. She was a little unresponsive. Somewhere during my blabbing she apologize for not talking much. She said that she didn’t like cars and she got car sick easily so that is why she is not talking. She promised to talk more once e got out the car. I said. “Oh, no, that’s fine. I wasn’t thinking about that. She gave me a long look. It was a why am I lying kind of look. We ended up doing my best shoot ever. She even put on slow music during that shoot. We really made a connection ! That girl could have been my real muse. I cold have shot with her over and over again if I wanted. I was going to do a shoot with her, again But I changed my mind because I told myself to move on and find more beauties and don’t get attached to one girl.

There is another girl I told a lie like that to. I liked her so much. I met her at a party in a park. It looked like she was checking me out. I went to talk with her and we ended up doing a selfie together. I thought she was beautiful, but I didn’t get her number or anything. It was never on my mind until I went back to look at the picture. Then, I really took in her beauty and wished that I had asked for her number. By coincidence, I ran into her at a train station. I talked to her, but she didn’t remember me at all. I showed her our selfie, and she was surprised. She said she was on acid that day. lol. We talked for a few and then I walked away to go home, again without getting her number. I got mad at myself and I decided to walk back just to get her number. When I asked her she said, “did you walk all the way back just to get my number?” I said “no.” Anyways, yeah. I definitely have to be more honest about my feelings at all times. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

So I will just work on that part about myself–be more honest.

So let’s talk about today. Today went by really well. I am not home. I am in a big tourist/trendy/fancy area strategically so that I can be seen by beautiful girls and so that I can see beautiful girls. I bought myself a nice pair of shoes. [Interuption] a beautiful girl just interupted me and asked me a question ! That’s what I am talking about. It could have turned to anything, but she wasn’t interested. I’m OK with that 🙂

So yeah, I bought myself a nice pair of shoes. It felt really good to do that. I really needed a new pair. I have went clothes shopping in a long time, and I am a little embarrassed/ashamed about that. I put clothes on my montly bill now. It feels good to buy new clothes.

I took it easy, today because it was my day off work. It too me a while to leave the house. Instead of meditating immediately when I woke up, I had coffee and watched a movie called “Tremors” It’s a horror movie. I enjoyed it.I layed in bed as I did that, ocassionally thinking about how I really need to make love to someone. I think I’m getting desperate.

When the movie went off, I meditated. Even ater doing two hours the other day, sitting for 20 minutes is still a challenge. My mind still wonders. It doesn’t seem like I have gotten any better. I will be patient. After meditating, I walked to the park and I exercised. After that, I came home and made lunch and snakes for me to take with me on my trip out. Now I am here after stopping at the store to get a new pair of shoes. I am at a starbucks. I decided on a cup of coffee and writing instead of going to the bar and looking desperate over a cup of beer. I’m disappointed in myself that I didn’t get to go out and do photos, but I will do some tomorrow after Krav class. I’m going to go home and edit some photos that I did the other day and I will study photography out of this book.

That has me thinking about m real reasons for wanting to do wild photos of nude women in the first place. I first noticed my friend’s work, and I really liked it. I noticed this other famous photograopher who did smilar work to my friend’s and I really liked his, I can’t belive we acually met, talked, and I have his phone number. Now there is Terry Richardson. He is the best to me right now. I really like his work. I have seen his work online, but when you look at his books, the photos really grab me. I saw more of his work online and I really like his content. His stuff is very very sexual and things like that grab me. That’s the kind of stuff I like. So my reasons of wanting to do similar work are real. I just like that kind of stuff. I’m getting there. I will make it.

Take care

 

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