09/22/16

Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. Today went by well. I just couldn’t wait to get off work from this job I absolutely hate, though. It’s not the job so much; or maybe it is. It’s a combination of the job and the people. I’m working at a transitional home for veterans, so I deal with a lot of personalities. Dealing with them doesn’t bother me at all. I actually like the veterans. It’s my coworkers and ‘boss’ that are the problem. Sure my heart is not in the job, but at least I’m mostly decent. Long story short, I don’t believe in judging others. You never know what a person is going through.

My coworkers suck. They look down on the clients and treat them badly. They have nothing but negative things to say. On top of that. I have to listen to their constant bitching and complaining all day. Constant bitching and complaining from the clients is about the only thing I don’t care to hear either. Most of the bitching and complaining is about the stupidest shit. I’ve learned to just tune it out and I am learning to do the ‘mega tune out’. I feel like a   prisoner and I am half afraid to look for something else, but I do have my eye open. I’m mainly afraid to go back to working what I went to school for. I’m sure I will figure something out and the right thing will come up. I will just be patient. The only good thing about this job is that it is easy and pretty easy going. I can make my own schedule, really, and it’s hard to get fired or laid off. I know that sounds odd and it’s true. In my normal field, the lay off rate seemed so easy and fast. Permanent jobs are rare and temp jobs are in abundance. I really appreciate my job from this aspect. It’s my coworkers that I don’t like, really. My boss has her own serious issues that I recognize and I feel are disgusting to me.

Anyways, I am home now, and it feels great. I met another girl at the bus stop. I met two girls this week at the bus stop. I’m not desperate, but I am not stupid either. In most cases, any time a girl puts herself in the way for you to talk to her, she is drawn to you in some way. It may not be 100% true, but it is something to look at. A beautiful girl came up to me a few days ago laughing and smiling as she said “excuse me” and asked me for directions(so that means I’m approachable?) She talked to me for about a minute or two about directions and went about her way. I admit that I don’t think I had much room to do pick up there. Maybe I did. With today’s girl, I had plenty of room to do pick up.

I noticed her a long time ago as I was waiting for the bus. I was just observing her. I thought that she wasn’t that beautiful, but she was good enough for being a young woman. I only glanced at the time. I ended up sitting next to her after time. I think I noticed her watching me out of my peripheral vision and then she said something. She asked me something about directions. I don’t think she was picking me up. She just wanted to make conversation. I had plenty of room to work my game, though. When she talked to me, I liked her voice. It reminded me of a girl I was about to date before. I really loved her dimples, too. They were pretty and deep. We kept talking and talking and talking, and that’s about it. I tried not to appear flirty. Maybe that was the bad part about the whole thing. I should be more honest with everyone about my feelings. I have so many white lies.

But hey, I wasn’t after a number or anything anyways. I put a halt to my dating for as long as I can manage so that I can study dating and things like that, you know. I’m on my fifth reading of this dating book I have. This guy says to smile at random strangers. I remember when I tried this the first time. I thought it was corny and stupid. Most girls I smiled and said “hi” too looked uncomfortable at that time. They immediately went on guard as if they knew they were being cat called, though they were not. I was learning to smile and speak. Even guys I did it too looked at me weird. These days, I feel like doing that, naturally. Now I notice that before I even put a smile on my face, people smile first and speak and I really like doing that with people. I always smile and give a nod. It’s like I don’t have to act it out. Something about me from that time has changed, so I must be doing something right.

He says to go to the mall and smile and talk to random girls that I am not attracted to. I think I am ready to do that. That shouldn’t be too hard for me.

Another thing that has been on my mind is the authenticity of my personality. Am I real or am I fake? That’s something to dwell upon and write about at another time.

So here I am now. Just taking a break from studying photography via looking up photographers. I really love Terry Ricahrdson’s work. What I see online is different from what I see in his books. Looking at the photos on print are a much much better experience than looking at the photos online.

besides him, and while drinking beers, I’m looking up the following photographer tonight:

Romano Cagnoni

Abbas Attar

Otto steinert

and a few others. I’m observing “intent”

Take Care !

ohh…wait. How dare I forget to write about yesterday’s meditation session and stuff. I meditated for two hours straight. I’m glad I was able to sit through without getting tired and all. It is hard to keep the mind focused one single thing. I will get better at it I am sure. I hope that this will help me in each and every way. I really want meditation to help me to become a better person and a better artist.

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