09/21/16

Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. Today went by well. I am half done. I think Wednesdays are my favorite days. I have to alternate. I either get to fight or I get to meditate for 3 hours. This Wednesday is meditation day. I really can’t wait to make it to the center to meditate. It will be the firs time that I had made it there to meditate for three hours. I hope I make it on time and such. The center is so nice. I am glad I found it. They even give out snacks and tea. I had been trying to get into one that is more close to home, but I don’t think the one I was looking at was good/real. I could never find out when they open. I rarely saw the place open, and when I called, someone told me to come at such and such time and they will be open. When I went, the place was closed so that was either a mistake or a lie. Is that ‘meditation center’ a front for something else?

Anyways, I found this one so it’s no big deal. It’s a really good place with so many good activities. They have so many retreats. I was going to just do a random 10 day one in the winter, but now I don’t have to worry about that. I will stick with this place, but I will never become a Buddhist. I don’t want to belong to any religion whatsoever, and if I were to ever claim myself as being something, it would be Christian because I believe the Bible is a good book to read. I’m still reading The Bible. I’m not done, and I can’t believe it. I am on Psalms, now. I have so long to go before I get to the Jesus part.

I worked out this morning. I did nothing too hard. I just practiced Krav Maga and I did a quick back exercise routine.

I come to work with internal grudges against my coworkers. I act simi nice to them outwardly, but my internal thoughts about them are horrific. There is one lady who bugged me and got on my nerves enough that I just don’t even speak to her and try not to look her way. I choose to hate her. I try to tell myself to be nice and not too, but for me, grudges and hate feel good I think.

I don’t like this job, but it’s the easiest thing for me to do right now. It’s safe. I am always afraid that if I go back to my normal field that I will get laid off. I want to find something better, but I need an exit plan. Maybe the book I make will be the reward for this ‘nightmare’ that I am living, now.

I’m off work this Friday and I am not sure what to do. I have a few beaches I want to visit. A girl that I am cool with is back in town, but I am scared to ask her to hang out. I know she will say, “yes”, but I am just afraid to ask her to hang out and I am not sure why. That’s an option for me, though. I keep liking her selfies that she post on facebook, which is weird, I know. I want to go to a bar in this area where I know there are a bunch of great looking white girls. I think it’s helpful to just hang out in those kind of areas. There is a big party at night, too. I’m not sure if I will go though, because I’m paying for a ticket to go to Northern California for a parade and a party afterwords. I’m going with the girls–the group of lesbian girls I am partying with these days. I’d rather save all my party money for them. So having thought about it through this writing, I’ve already decided. I will just hang out on Friday at a beach and a bar. I have to get up early to go to Krav class anyways. The last party I did with my girlfriends was pretty awesome. There was a famous rapper that they hired. The coolest thing she did that night that I had ever saw anyone do in a while was pull one of her titties out and let it hang during her whole performance. All of the girls got pretty wild and nasty that night. It was awesome.

Anyways, I think I wrote enough. I have to get ready to leave.

Take care !

 

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