Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. Today went by well. I didn’t work, today, so I stayed in bed. Last night, I fell asleep to another great Amazon Prime selection–an old movie called “Interview With The Vampire” that I had never seen. It seemed pretty good, but I was tired and I may have fallen asleep after five minutes.

It felt good to sleep in and not have to be anywhere and not have to get up to an alarm. I shut it off before I went to bed. I woke up, not wanting to get up. Looked up a supplement company and talked with my best female friend via facebook messages. I like her and I trust her a lot. We have been friends since about 2007. We talk about everything. She’s married, now though. She never discusses with me her family business. She did in the past when they first married, but not anymore. I wouldn’t want her to either. She likes to cook a lot, too. She is an expert cooker.

OK…so lets jump to it before I ramble on about nothing.


I have been thinking about my dealings with women, I guess. I have been thinking about my calling and what exactly it is that I like and am supposed to do in life. Whatever it is, I am almost sure that it has to be something with women. They are a huge challenge for me in my life that I may have never faced in the way that I should. I’m in a situation where I see a lot of women that I find attractive, but I have never been with them. Well, I have been with some, but not in the way and in the amount that they should. My dates are years apart, and only once has it ever been with the one that I was really attracted too, and that didn’t go well because of other internal challenges that I have.

Sometimes I look women in the eye directly while talking to them. Sometimes, I feel like it’s a problem and I’m not sure when it’s appropriate. It’s always appropriate, but I’m always worried about my gaze. A lady comes to inspect things at my job. She is older, but she has blonde hair and sparkling blue eyes. I am attracted to her. So yesterday when we were talking, I was looking her right in the eye, but I kept wanting to glance away because … I don’t know. I didn’t want to give off the vibe of flirty stares. The only time I had learned that it was good to look women in the eye when you talk to them was when I was reading a book a dating and seduction. Now I am always thinking about it from that context. Long story short, I haven’t quite mastered challenges with women and I feel like God wants me to get better at that or something. What ever is the challenge, I never faced it, if that makes sense.

I almost can’t talk to women without thinking on rather I am or would be attracted to her or not. I always take a quick glance for something that I might like. Eyes are a very big attention grabber for myself. I love when they are big, bright and colorful. Those are pretty nice to stare into. So even at the meditation center, it was on ! The first thing that ran through my mind for the first girl women that greeted me at the door:

She is pretty. She is tall and thin. She has a nice voice and beautiful sparkling blue eyes.

quick date fantasies happen during thoughts like these.

I thought something of this nature of the second woman that introduced herself to me. She had sparkling brown eyes. She is almost a repeat of my female friend/model that I shoot and hang with. I can’t believe the resemblance !

The eye contact from both of those women were the strongest that I have encountered in a while. I’m sure it has something to do with their meditation practice. No one had looked eyes with me that strongly since that Russian girl I had shot with last year before thanksgiving. How is she doing? I’m still in love. JK !

I didn’t take the strong eye contact the wrong way. I just looked at it as either great confidence in themselves or some compassion thing due to meditation.

I wish I didn’t think this way all the time when it comes to women. Besides eyes, vibe, and beauty, I also observe breast and booty–like I said, I look for things I like on any woman. It doesn’t matter age, so long as they are not illegal. Is every guy like this or is it just me?

My calling has something to do with women, and I am sure of it.

I have to leave soon because I am going to party with the girls–the lesbians again.  I am sure it will be a fun night. I wanted to write about meditation before I leave, though.

I am not sure what it is, but I love the new form of meditation. It seems to work for me. I did 20 minutes this morning. It is a blessing in my life that I had found that center. They have a lot of activities there that will help me and that I would love to participate in. Wednesdays are nearly two hours of meditation. They do a sitting, a walking, and a contemplation form of meditation. I will be an attendee at this place for a while. It’s a Buddhist center, but their focus isn’t Buddhism It is meditation. Meditation is great, and I can already see how it is helping me. They also have Yoga classes at the place that I go to and nothing cost a dime, but of course there are suggested donations.  This is a great and highly likely place that I would find my next date…or maybe not, you know ?

I do this form of meditation, exactly



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