Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. Today is going well. After work here, I’m going to head over to my Krav Maga class. Today is the day we fight each other. I never feel like going to Krav Maga class after work, but I sort of force myself too. When I go, I enjoy myself, though.

I had a dream about my classmate last night. I had sort of a general dream I remember bits and pieces of it, but I don’t remember the whole thing in detail. I remember we were at some kind of gym or nightclub environment, at night, and I choked someone out for some reason. Then I remember us laughing and talking and her standing so close to me that we had no choice but to snuggle up, hug, laugh and talk as we talked. We were really enjoying ourselves. That’s all I remember from the dream. I like her, but I have to look at her as being a little sister. I can handle that.

I hate to admit it, but I feel, overall lonely. It seems like every one gets along with each other and every one has a significant someone in their life except for me. It doesn’t really bother me though. At this point, I still feel like I am not ready. I still have a quick temper and I get mad easily, I think. I’m still working on myself.

My coworker really pisses me off, for example. It feels better for me to come to work with the attitude of “I can’t stand that bitch. I know she is going to do some stupid shit;” rather than just forgiving her and excepting the fact that her behavior is a little off to me. She clearly doesn’t see it herself. I can tell she notices that she gets on my nerves, but I can also tell that she tries not to. It seems like she tries to get my attention for the stupidest reasons. she ask me very stupid questions. I wouldn’t be so offended if her tone wasn’t so accusatory. Most of the time, depends on what she ask, I am thinking:

What the fuck does that matter?”

Geez, this is not the fucking hardest thing in the world. You couldn’t just do it yourself?

I don’t fucking know? How do you expect me to know. You tell me, it’s your fucking job !

Did you really just call me for that? Really?

What the fuck does she want, now? She never calls me for anything that makes sense

and a number of other things. Just to think, this lady is married to someone and has kids. I would absolutely hate to be her husband. Who’s dealing with her.

She doesn’t know that I think these things. Maybe she can suspect it through my occasional

What !

I do notice her observing my facial expressions. At one time, she did sort of ask me if I thought she was stupid, so I’m sure she doesn’t mean her behavior. I will calm down and expect this from her, but I will keep my distance. I don’t trust her.

I don’t like this job, a whole lot, to tell you the truth. I think I would be a lot more comfortable doing a job that I do alone. I was working 3rd shift at this job, alone by myself. It was heaven, for the most part. I just hated missing things that friends invited me to during the week, sometimes. I have to learn to except peoples flaws. It’s all about communication. I tend to hold grudges of some sort.

So back to love; I can’t wait to find a girlfriend of some sort. I say that, but I never ever look except when someone really grabs my eye as I pass them on the street. I kind of look when I smile and say “hi” to women on the street, but when they smile back and look,I don’t stop and talk because I am usually on the go, I guess. I just think it’s important to keep smiling and saying. “hi.” Overall, I’m just really not ready to spend that kind of time with anyone. I guess I should try and find a strategy to do one night stands. That sounds easy.


Take care !


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