Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. Today went by well. I was very tired in the morning when I woke up. I woke up kind of late. I exercised, but nothing crazy like I use to. I didn’t even do Bioenergetics. That’s something that I am become more and more interested in. I’m just trying to find myself and some happiness, you know. I just want to figure out my problems. I’m reading a book called “Bioenergetics” by Alexander Lowen–the founder of the whole practice because I am becoming more interested in it and I want to know more about it. Maybe it will be my cure. I read something interesting in it already. It did make me recognize that the main thing I may be facing is anxiety. I’ve always hated to use that word because I hear a lot of people use it and it just sounds like an excuse. But examples he pointed out in the book made me realize that I may have it.

I see it all the time in myself. That’s why it’s hard for me to make close friends. I worry about being judged and taken advantage of. I always worry that people don’t like me or that they think I’m trying to show off. I worry that people think that I am a bum. I don’t really make friends with strangers in the street most of the time because I feel that they are already suspicious of me and judge me before I even say “hi.” I do find myself overcoming this thought most days and I talk to strangers anyways, but I still see it in myself, you know. When it comes to beautiful women. I think these thoughts are amplified. I avoid getting close with people in my Krav Maga class. I always worry that they are judging me. If it’s a hot girl there, I always worry that she will think I am trying to get close to her, and I always worry that other males in the class think that I am trying to get close to the girl and hit on the girl and such. So I just pretty much avoid looking at girls and speaking to girls all together. I think one girl notices this and maybe finds it strange or just thinks that I am just shy so she respects that. She used to try to partner with me, but I would pretend like I didn’t see her coming my way or something, and I would quickly find a new partner. It seems like she caught an attitude about that and avoided me back.

I avoid looking too closely at women as I pass them by on the street. I don’t want to give them the feeling that I am going to try and talk to them. But when I am up for the challenge or when I see someone that I am very attracted to, I m not afraid to just go up and talk. I put myself in that mindset. I’m anxious about a lot of things most days. I feel like people hate me, even though it may not be true. I just feel like that all the time anways. 

I hope the book will help me. I can’t wait to finish. 

It may be a little harder for me to find a girl to shoot with because I took my portfolios ddown from ofline, but I am sure I wll find someone.

I emailed a girl today. We had talked about shooting before, but I think she thinks I stood her up. I already told you this story. I apologized to her in the best way that I could. I think she is done with me, but you never know so why not try. Maybe she will say “yes.” Hopefully she will. She is totally worth the pursuit. She is absolutely beautiful. She is very tall, has dimples, freckles, very long and natural red hair, and very noticably beautiful chin, sparkling blue eyes, she is thin and is in very good shape–a god damn real life “Barbie!” She has really nice breast. As I am typing about her, I am getting so hype and I am smling. Thinking about her is like a release for my pain. Writing about her is like a release for my pain. Writing about her gives me a good feeling about her now. It gives me an over all good feeling, but let’snot get off subject. I can’t believe she had showd up s eagerly. The Russian girl was beautiful, herself, but I was not as excited about her as I am with this red head. Please forgive me and say “yes.” Trust me. This will be a good shoot. I am not enjoinglooking for someone else. I want to maintain the feeling that I have now. It feels good. She will say “yes.”

Speaking of her. I have so many good photos of her that I didn’t put online anywhere–the Russian girl. With these 13 girls, now down to 12 that I plan to shoot with, I will not post th photos anywhere.Now, I dont have anyone to judge my photos, so I really don’t know if they are truly good or bad. I posted tid bits–photos that I will not use for the book of the Russian girl onlne at ssome places, but I don’t think I will do that anymore. I will just keep all the photos to myself and just keep improving on everything as I study things about photography and Photoshop and focus on my personal growth. Personal growth will help my photos. I will not use Instagram or a Facebook page or anything like that for a while. It cures me of trying to show off and looking for feedback all the time. I feel like this will help me to. I will keep it all to myself as I work on it. 

Soooo….I think I wrote enough for now. Please please please ! Let thus girl say yes.

Take care !

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