Dear Journal,

How are you feeling. As for me, I’m fine. Today went by well. I started doing this MMA spartan workout. It’s an app. It’s amazing what this apps are doing for me. The workouts from this app are really good.


I use that one and another called hardfox 100 push ups. I also use hardfox 30 pull ups


It’s really challenging to do the push ups. I did those this morning, too along with my spartan workout. I ran two miles in 17 minutes and I did some punching drills. I went to work. I love working out beore work. Then I went to Krav Maga class after work. I read my photography book at work. It’s good to read a book more than once. There is always something that I miss Some people recommended reading a book 10-15 times if you really want the information to stck in. I do that with this on dating book I have. I am on my fifth reading so far.

I looked at a friend of mines photography work today while I was at work. He is a very good photographer. I think he’s better than me, and a part of his work makes me feel fake. I feel fake all the time actuaally. I really don’t know who I fit in with or where do I fit in. Maybe, I’ just meant to be a lone wolf. I am OK wih that. His work makes me feel fake because I see him outsdie and then I see his work. He captures soethig that he truly lives-extreme gay culture. I’m only an outsider and I capture what looks attractive to me. As I write this, I realize that that’s OK and I don’t really feel fake anymore. They really appreciate/like my photos too. That’s why they ask me to come around so much. 

I feel so bad for what I did yesterday or this ast weekend. I’m sure that girl lked me and was displaying jealousy in a playful way. I should have handled it differently. I should have deleted her comment and then I should have privately messaged her to tell her that I am friends with that girl on facebook and that she would see her comment. Instead, I let it hang there.. I knew that all three of the girls would just devourher with harsh words. All three of themgo on line and called her all kinds of stupid bitches and cunts. She was hurt. I think she reported it because all the comments got deleted from facebook. She then privaely messaged me and said that she didn’t mean what she said in a mea way and she said that all of that name calling by those girls were uncalled for. Then she blocked me. I’m still almost not sure why she blocked me, though. I wasn’t the one doing the name calling. I’m just the photographer who posted the photo. But yeah, I knew what I was doing.

So maybe that lets me know how immature I still am.

I still have no message from the stripper. So now, I’m really sure that she doesn’t want to shoot. I have been looing for other girls. I took the time to email a very beautiful Russian model that has been in Maxim, recently, and other magazines. You never know until you ask, right? First I said that she is out of my skill level/league, then I said just go for it. She never responded. I will look for more girls, tonight.

I sort of feel like a trick for paying girls to shoot. But shouldn’t models be paid? It’s like I said, I look at it as karma. I’m paying people to work in hopes that it comes back to me. Ever since I have been dong this, I have been shootng with reaally beautiful girls, though. So I a benefiting so far. The last girl I had shot with was really great. I got the knd of photos I wanted with accuracy. For some reason, I am not as motivated to find the second girl. I am motivated, now, acually, but I wasn’t really motivated when I staarted looking again. 

Anyways….I just wonder who this next girl will be. I don’t have anything specific in mind. I am just looking for someone beautiful. 

Take care !



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