08/20/16

Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. Today went by well. Yesterday’s party was OK. It wasn’t OK enough for me to stay. I left. I was pretty drunk when I arrived. I drank a bunch of vodka tea while staring at one of the photos I took of that Russian girl and listening to music. I browsed all the photos we had taken. Boy are they amazing. I drank more vodka because I felt like I wasn’t drunk enough when I left. I noticed I was drunk when I could barely ride my bicycle to the park and ride. I almost missed my bus stop because I fell sleep. I woke up just in time. I was drunk.

They guy had sent me an email asking me to come. He just wanted me to come and take photos of his party. I didn’t really want to, but I figured I can just donate some services for a bit. So I came. Things were fine until I ran into him and he asked me a question that I thought was totally phony. Why did I think it was phony? I don’t know. I just felt it immediately.

Yeah, so what else you got planned tonight. How long are you going to stay  here?

Well, he’s the one who asked me to come is how I took it. What does he mean how long I’m going to stay here. My thinking may have been overboard. A number of things may have been bothering me. I’m tired of shooting at that same bar, I think. I found my party group that I want to stick with, already. I love them, and they love me back. It’s never a boring night with them. In fact, I ran into the girl who throws those parties. She was working at the bar. I was glad to see her. We walked to each other and gave each other long hugs and we talked about the parties and the photos. She looked disappointed that I was there doing photos for someone else. I could have been thinking wrong, but I am sure I am able to read this stuff. I definitely don’t want to disappoint her. Maybe that’s what made me want to leave.

Another thing that made me want to leave is that the party was boring and the people were just not interesting to me. That Russian girls word stuck with me, and I thought of them that night:

Don’t be fake. If you’re tired, just say you’re tired. Say what you feel.

If this party is boring to you, just leave. Do what you feel. I looked around and made the decision. I left. I went home. I stopped somewhere and ate because I was hungry. I through it right back up. I met a girl that night. I made her pose a lot. She really loved it. I didn’t get a phone number or anything, but maybe I’ll run into her again.

Sex:

I need it, and I really can’t take it anymore. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I would have a problem finding a date, but I never look because I am focused on other things in my life. I can talk to girls. But dating them is the problem because it takes time and money. I’m working on this book and I’m saving money. What to do about sex, though? I can either become…completely celibate, so that means no masturbating either, or I can do what I have been thinking about–hiring an escort. I’m concerned that my need for sex is showing up in my face. I hope it’s not. What should I do about this. Is there really anything wrong with hiring an escort?

I’m going to the party with the gay girl’s tonight. One girl, let’s just call her Sasha, is so freaking pretty. She has a gorgeous face and has really huge breast. I try to distance myself from attraction to them. But fuck it. It’s natural. I will just never verbally say anything. I’ve been thinking about her breast They’re huge. Anyways, take care !

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