I have always ran. I have always been private and hiding some things about myself. Like the time when:
Geez ! You never let me come in your room, and every time I come to your door, you have it blocked off as if you’re hiding something.
That’s what this really really beautiful blonde haired blue eyed girl said to me years ago. She was really stunning. As obvious as it was to a lot of people around me, I didn’t get it. She liked me a lot. I didn’t realize it until it was too late–we moved away from each other. I did hide things from her in our barracks. I felt like my room was dirty, and I didn’t want her to catch me living filthy. My room was quite clean, actually.
Now with this girl, and with any girl I meet these days. I hide the fact that I am poor. I wasn’t always poor, but hey, these are the times. I am not where I want to be in life and I don’t really want anyone until I am there. That’s what I think most of the time.
This girl wants to see me. I could tell by the look in her eyes, that day. I knew she would text me because she wanted me to take her out Friday night. But I didn’t. If I had everything I felt I needed, right now. I would have been going after her head on. But I don’t I am failing…or I am recovering from a failure. I don’t even have a car anymore. I had a nice one that I paid cash for, but in some crazy “I don’t appreciate shit I have in my life moment,” I gave the car away…for free. That’s another story in itself. The last car I had, I sold for a cheap price. I don’t have the luxury of a big apartment to invite her to. I used to, but I moved out to pay cheap rent with roommates.
So all in all, I’m just not where I want to be in life to bring anyone else in. I’m not where I need to be in life. I’m not where I should be in life.
But I will make it there. When, I do, hopefully, it will not be to late for me to bring her with me.