12/26/15(part 2)

Hi Journal,

I’m back. So let’s try this; it’s on my mind right now so I might as well write about it before I no longer feel it. I want to talk about friendships and such.

I always feel like I don’t have friends. I always feel like I don’t have a muse. But when you look at it, I actually do have muses and I have had a lot of muses. I feel like I just never took the time to recognize them as much. I didn’t take the time to appreciate them. I have had muses since I first started doing photos of girls. Maddy for example was an incredible muse. Not only was she beautiful, but she was unique and sweet. She had full lips and sparkling blue eyes, a huge booty, and long natural red hair. We did a lot of photoshoots together until she moved. She was still willing to shoot. The distance didn’t bother her. Nothing bothered her untilI flaked on her once. She also got pretty busy and definitely too busy to be flaked on. We had stopped shooting ever since. I’m going to take this time to really appreciate her. I almost want to try and rekindle things, but I don’t think I should.

I had plenty of Japanese female friends that I have done photoshoots with before. They were muses. I appreciate them. Daria was a muse and still is. I paid her $50 when I didn’t know her. She did the photoshoot and then some. We even shot in her house and in her bedroom. We had so much fun that day that we keep reflecting on, obviously, through instagram post and personal messages. She is still a muse. I can’t believe I have been overlooking her to do another shoot with. We will do another shoot. April is a muse. Lily is definitely a muse. Why am I just seeing this? I’m not sure if you know how I feel. Lisa was definitely my best muse. Yet I’m always looking for the muse and telling myself I never had one. Something is wrong with me.

I’m always looking for a crew, but now that I open my eyes. I have plenty of crews that love and respect me and don’t reject me. These guys are my closest:

Yet I feel that I don’t have a crew and people hate when I do photos. I have them and plenty of others. I feel like I have been turning my head away from everyone I just mentioned…I reject them and look for others. It has to stop. I really do appreciate them all. I can’t wait to shoot with Daria again. She’s been waiting and she’s so beautiful. Where has my head been ?

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