Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m OK. I’m fine. Before I write anything else, I’m going to take this time to show some gratitude. I’m thankful to be able to afford the new camera that I plan on buying this coming Tuesday. Perhaps it’s difficult for another person to get a new camera once they loose it, but I choose to be able to afford it because I love it. I’m thankful to have the…what should I call it? Diligence?..to endure such a thing. I’m thankful to know of such awesome events. I’m thankful to still be alive and with all my bones and in great health. I don’t know how many times a wheelchair person has stopped me in the street to ask me to push them up a steep hill because they’re not strong enough. I’m thankful to be able to eat beautiful and healthy things. I’m thankful for all the great things that has happened to me this year, and I’m thankful to be in a little bit better position this year. Last year I partied across the street from where I partied this year. I had nothing in savings, and I was fat. This year, I have a couple grand in savings and am at least two percent more knowledgeable about money, and I am thin a beautiful 🙂 I’m thankful to have a couple grand in my bank account and I’m thankful to have made it to be thin and beautiful. Wow ! A couple grand in the bank when it was a little hard for me to save before. It was a fast and unnoticeable process. And now I’m going to save even more with these treasury accounts. I’m thankful that I was able to take the time to learn about money.

I’m thankful for my Iraqi friend. We have been friends for about ten years, now. We have never met, though she really wanted to and kept trying to get me to come out and meet her. We used to live practically around the corner from each other. I was scared to those years ago because I was afraid I wasn’t good enough. I was never good enough–not a big enough paycheck, etc. But hey, I’m thankful that she’s still around in my life somehow. She responds to my every message at the snap of a finger and without fail even though my lifestyle is not something she agrees with at all. How am I sounding, right now? I believe she would have married me if I was Muslim. That’s something I thought about to. I don’t want to become Muslim for a girl. So anyways, yeah, I think I have shown enough thanks for now.

This weekend went by physically well; mentally, it was a nightmare. I am always looking out for who likes me; Who is rejecting me? What do these people think about me? Does this person like me? Am I a creep? Do these people think I’m a creep? Am I weird? Do these people think I’m weird? Don’t I have anything else to do with my time then take photos? I have no life. Do these people think I’m a loser with no life? What are they thinking about me right now? The list can go on. But I am always in a constant battle with such petty thoughts.  Do all of us do this? Despite the thoughts, I fight them off and focus on the positive the best that I can. If it person doesn’t like me or if I wrongly register in my head that they don’t like me. I just tell myself not to take it personal and I decide to me fine with it–to shrug it off and accept it. More than often, I am wrong. I just give people their space. See look, I gave that hot DJ her space and I was welcomed by her with a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek. That moment just felt so warm. I appreciated that coming from her.

Am I weird for taking all this time to write such a long post? But it’s my journal…

Am I weird for making my journal so public like this? Stupid questions short, I may be an extreme narcissist indicated by the fact that I constantly ask myself questions like this…right?

Does writing about it all heal things? What am I going to gain in life by taking the time to write about it all. Is this a waste of time?

OK, sooo…let’s talk about last night’s party. Let’s talk about last night in general. I may be stupid for doing it, again, but I never took the time to throw away the drink that took me out and made me loose my camera. I fact, it’s what I drank all weekend long. Last night I finished it, and I had a beer afterwords. I drank it mixed in with lemon and rose rogusa tea and honey. I also bought a flavored bottle of UV vodka for myself, and I drank that throughout the night. I had one beer at my final party.

I went to my normal bar…oh wait, I stopped by Danielle’s party before going to the bar, but they were not open yet, though it was 10:00pm. I immediately suspected a boring few hours, so I said screw this. Since I came at 10 and they’re not open, I just decided to go to my normal bar. It was empty there as well. I’ll have to look up the party group that was there Saturday and keep an eye on them. I talked to a bar tender there after she got done playing her set. I didn’t know she DJ’d. While talking to her. I sat my camera on the table that was in front of us and somehow smacked it on the ground. I dropped it ! it cracked the viewing screen, but luckily it still works. I am a damn fool. I stayed there mingling with a couple for a bit and then I went to the big party.

At soon as I walked in, I saw a girl I knew and I waved. She came over for a hug and I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek and went about my way. I walked pass another woman I knew and gave her a quick smack on the arm and said “hi” as I walked by. I guess she didn’t really recognize me at first. We hadn’t seen each other in a while, but then she stopped me:

“Oh, hey ! How have you been?”
“Oh my God, you look great !”

She said all that as she came in for big and long hugs. We talked about how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other and how good each of us look, now. I met her several parties ago. I was joking with a guy I had just met and started talking to there:

Me: “Hey dude ! You want to hear my pick up line?”

Him: “Sure what’s your pick up line?”

That’s when I randomly tapped her on the shoulder and said:

“Damn, baby your father must be a terrorist cause you the bomb.”

I always say that jokingly to girls. She laughed and we talked about that. She looked me in the eye and said that I had a beautiful soul. I guess she meant it. We’ve been friends ever since. I think she has a boyfriend and he’s usually at the parties with her. Or maybe that’s her brother. She’s not beautiful at all, really, but I still like her and would date her because she just seems nice. I’m comfortable with her. I know I would be myself with her without question.

After her, I just partied. I wasn’t there to do photography, but I just always carry my camera with me just because. I purposely leave it noticeable, though. I’m guilty on wanting to have people ask me for photos and they always do. So I ended up making a gallery that I already put up. Cool photos, I think, and nothing was planned. I did the rest of the coke that I had–only a key bump. I also gave a guy a key bump after he offered me weed. I didn’t dance with any girl. I talked to a few. I smelled a girls neck after she told me that I smelled good and we started talking about perfumes. I saw a girl at this party; she is the same girl that I met the last time I was at this same party. She didn’t remember me until I reminded her, though.

The last time I met her was cool. I was walking around taking photos. Her shot was the best shot that I got. She made sure to try to show me her boobs as much as possible without really being naked. I took a photo of her tattoo, which is between her huge boobs. I didn’t know they were huge until I just added her on instagram this morning and I saw all of the nude a sexy photos she put of herself on there. This girl is perfect for my next shoot, and I want to shoot her so badly. She gave me a hug and offered me a bump of coke as she told me that she liked me because I seem cool. This time, after I talked to her and told her that we met last time, she asked to see the photo I took her. I couldn’t because I lost my phone of all things ! I needed to buy a new one anyways, but still. I showed her her pick on instagram. She liked it and added me. She asked for my phone number as well. When I finally got home to look at her instagram, I was amazed.

She’s perfect for what I want to shoot right now. She’s not model beautiful, at least I don’t think, but she’s sexy, and her boobs are huge. I already asked her to shoot, and she sort of said yeah. She said: “Yeah, but I tend to get shy.” I’m just wondering if I should pay this time. I don’t mind paying, but it’s just the dynamics, you know. She’ll either say yes to the type of shoot, without money and we’re friends, I guess. Or she’ll say yes to the type of shoot that I offer with money, and it’s business. It’s not only that. But me offering her money for the shoot may come out the wrong way, no? What if she wants to shoot just for the fact that she might be fond of me, and now it’s like I’m offering her money to hang out?

But I really want to create the story more so than I would want to date her. How should I approach this? Let’s see. We met at a party and we barely know each other. She was with her date? and she gave me her number without me asking. On my end, I think she’ll be very useful for artistic purposes. I really want the story, and I don’t want her to flake. The best thing I can do is just message her the details, professionally and with pay, and I am more likely to have a guaranteed “yes.” At the same time, I would be doing something for her. If I don’t offer money, perhaps she’ll still say “yes” but with a chance to flake, and sit back and think, and say why should I do this for him, you know?  If I offer her money, do I look like sucker this time? Someone help me out ! I’m going to take the time to think on this.

Today’s plans:

Go home hot shower, olive oil, , masturbate, sleep.
Wake up, meditate, meditate visualize.
Finish developing the film roll.
read wordpress blogs.
think long and hard about the path you want to take with getting that girl to shoot throughout the day. Do this right !
Go to Krav Maga class.
Study English at night.

Never give up 🙂



3 thoughts on “12/21/15

  1. Despite all of those questions of yours, you know that writing is some kind of therapy. Writing all the sentences makes us feel better. That’s exactly why we write. Enjoying the anonymity, right?
    Anyway, even if this one was so long, I enjoyed reading it. Big time 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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