12/15/15

Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m OK. Yesterday went by well. I did everything according to plans, well, almost everything. I didn’t exercise and I didn’t do photos. I didn’t do photos because I need to watch the lesson again to get a better idea of what to take photos of. So I will watch the video again after typing this. I don’t want to waste my black and white film on taking photos of just anything. It may be a while before I finish this particular roll. I didn’t exercise because I sort of modified my plans a bit.

I woke up after about 4 hours of sleep. I was going to continue laying there, but I suddenly decided that I may have time to go and look for my baby(camera) once more. So I woke up and went right to the metro lost and found with no luck, but that’s OK. That took a chunk of my time. It led to not get back home until about 3, which is two hours after I would have awaken to start my day. So went I got home, I went to immediately doing everything as planned. All of that sitting around and meditating feels awesome. After that and breakfast I went to studying HTML. I don’t like this particular set of videos. I will stick with it, though, but I don’t think it will help me so much. I also decided to study WordPress as well. Each one took an hour. After that, I had about 30 minutes left to exercise before I went to work, but I decided to prep my lunch, shower, and nap for 30 minutes instead so that I am not tired at work. I didn’t have much sleep to begin with.

I studied English at work. I read my first Sherlock Holmes book ever ! I had to read A Scandal in Bohemia for an assignment. I’ve always wanted to read a Sherlock Holmes book. I had no idea he did cocaine, though. We have similarities 🙂

Throughout the night, I sort of thought of the Russian girl. I stalked my messages for her reply to our small conversation:

Her: Do you want to shoot again?

Me: Of course I do. 🙂 I have a place in mind at such and such if you can make it there.

I didn’t hear anything back, yet. I’m going to be ignored for whatever reason or she’ll reply today or days later. In the mean time I’ll forget about her like I did after our first shoot and kill all of my fantasies. My fantasies are OK. They’re mine. I like them.  She doesn’t have to know about them unless she ask. I’ve already deduced that if she makes a move on me and cheats on her husband it’s because she’s unhappy anyways, and I had nothing to do with that. I’m just a guy who showed up, naturally, somehow and I will not be the blame really. OK, well, I will be a  blame for allowing it, I guess.

I still have to find a girl to do that one photoshoot I had planned with the other girl, but I never showed up to. I will start looking for someone for that. I looked at the profile of the last girl I had shot with. Wow ! She’s so young–much younger than me and not even 21, yet. I didn’t even think about it and had no idea. She looks 20s(to me, at least). After I noticed that, I had an initial “Wow,” but then I started to like the idea. I know that people sort of judge me, badly, now, but can’t really, you know, do anything because the girls are of legal age. I don’t know how to describe it. I know it breeds bad judgement about me by some and maybe even envy. I sort of like that so I wouldn’t mind shooting the erotic ones with a lot of the young girls. I may mix it up with some young ones and then older and busty ones. I love this series I’m doing in that hotel. I want to do it every weekend, now. But I will keep it a once a month thing. I’m going to bump it up to 2 girls in one day in that hotel room. I might as well fit as many girls as I can since I’m renting the room for all night. I can’t wait for my pin-up book to get here. What I learned about lines in that video will help me as well. It will help me a lot actually. I can’t wait to start implementing.

I thought a lot about family and love as well. I really feel like I am a very dark person. I don’t really care about blood(family), so how can I ever really care for anyone at all? I think I only care if the person will benefit me somehow. I don’t even like my own mom. I know that I am cold. I do my best to be nice, but I don’t think that’s who I am. I’m very much into myself. My death…I thought about that as well. It’s something that I have told myself that I am sure about pretty much my whole life. I’ve always told myself that I know that it will be a suicide, but don’t worry, if you’re reading ,I’m am nowhere near being at that point, yet.

Everyone in my family is married with kids except for me. I’m not sad about it. I’m just observing. I’ve never even had a girlfriend. My relationships consisted of prostitutes and wives. In the past, based how I have hurt some of the cheating wives I can tell that I was never really ready to be in a relationship. I’m sure it’s a blessing. I get to work on my character flaws and then get into a relationship instead of getting into a relationship and becoming a nightmare for the woman. My last legit date was beautiful. I’m sure I was doing good with her. She really wanted to have sex by our third date. She was begging me. I gave in during the heat of her moment in my car. I didn’t want to have sex that night, but just to satisfy her, I lifted up her shirt and started sucking on her breast. This was in  the parking lot of her apartment building. Someone saw us and called the cops. Luckily I pulled her shirt back down and everything before those two cop cars came creeping up with their lights off. Since they didn’t see anything, they only questioned us. That’s a funny story that I like to think back on. After that night things went down hill. The things I did to her, in the end, I will never want to do to anyone again. Perhaps it’s not as bad as it sounds. Whatever the case I will take note of myself from that and watch for it in my next relationship whenever that happens.

OK, enough of the depressing stuff. I just had some leftover shrimp curry that I cooked and it was so delicious. I’ve also been eating a lot of arugula, too. Between that and all the tea I’ve been drinking, something is making my muscles more defined. I can see a lot of my vanes and am noticing my muscles in my quads. I’m skinny just like I was when I was 21. Arugula is one of my favorite greens. It taste so good, and I eat a lot of it.

I’m going to start photographing gay clubs. I got the idea from another photographer that I like and I think he’s right about it. It’s a big step to take for a person that’s not gay because men are going to be hitting on me I assume. It will be an adventure. I have to look for the right parties.

I have nothing else to write I guess. I wrote a lot. Oh wait…today’s plans

Wake up meditate for 20 minutes
visualize over music and coffee for 20 minutes.
prep lunch and dinner and have breakfast.
candle light meditation for 10 minutes.
Krav maga
study english at night.

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