Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. Despite everything, I am just fine. This should really really really be a wake-up call. I’ve probably just been embarrassing myself being wasted like that almost every weekend. I knew it wasn’t good for me. I did want to stop and be just as hyper and happy sober. Now I pretty much have to force myself to. Because I don’t want to go through this again. Only good things will come out of that. This had to happen for a good reason. Sure being drunk is fun, but it’s better to be sober. I don’t think I will give up drinking. I will give up the hard drink strategy I had been using. I bought a new drink Saturday night. And because it said 30% alcohol instead of 50%, I totally underestimated it. I drank it and drank it like it was water. At some point…I think my reaction to it was slow. It crept up on me and I was embarrassingly fucked up. I don’t remember a thing. That’s a very dangerous thing to do when you’re walking alone in this city. I just hope I didn’t harm anyone. I was never a violent drunk; I was always a happy one. I have done this countless times, but this time, someone robbed me. I just checked the very last place I could check, and my camera is not there. Someone robbed me when I was blacked out. Luckily that’s all they did. Anything could have happened, and I am very embarrassed. This IS my wake up call. There were signs for me to change strategy. My liquor tolerance just became overall weaker, and I’m not sure why. This is good for me, though. I guess I needed this lesson.

It’s not my first time loosing cameras. My first camera was a Nikon d3100. I left it in my jeep I had at the time and someone went in it and stole everything. They stole several cameras, a tripod, and other things. I bought nicer cameras after, only to have to sell it for a car repair. I bought other cameras after. This last one is really a blow, though, I’m embarrassed, and a part of me just wants to give up on everything. Writing is helping my mood a lot, though. To give up is a loser’s game. I am going through a lot, but the end will be brighter.

That camera was sort of old, and the flash I had with it. I will buy a new one in a week or so. I still have my other cameras–all the film ones, my point and shoot. I broke my phone as well, somehow and will have to get a new one too, but it’s not completely broken and it’s not urgent.

I can’t give. I look forward to see how everything will turn out for me without relying on alcohol. I look forward to my new camera system. I have always used Nikon. Should I switch to Canon? This is really a lesson learned.


6 thoughts on “12/08/15

  1. Sending so much support to you right now! You learnt your lesson and that’s just a good thing, hope everything will go well with the new camera. Despite all of that, still feel kinda sorry for loosing the camera -_-

    Liked by 1 person

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