11/29/15

Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. Yesterday went by well. I spent a lot of time roaming around downtown Chicago and hanging out with my little brother. I was adopted into another family, so we have been separated for nearly 95% of our lives. We can’t say we really know each other. he’s a lot more happy to hang out with me than I am with him it seems. It always seems that way when I visit my real family.

I think he’s internally very sad. My real mom had four of us. Not only was I adopted, but I left all my family, in general and have been on my own since I was 18 years old, so I am not close to family at all. My real family and my adopted family have more connections to each other than I do to either one of them in general.

Anyways, my real mom had four boys. My older brother died. I’m sure it had 10x more of an impact on my younger brother I had hung out with yesterday than it did on me. I didn’t cry and it barely affected me. It was just news. The brother younger than all of us, who also lived with the younger brother that I hung out with, yesterday also died. I’m sure it had a huge effect on him. It affected me very little.. It was just news. So I am sure he is very said. He probably views me as his only brother left. Maybe he always wanted me to be a part of the real family.

We hung out, yesterday. He really enjoyed being downtown. no one in my family ever goes there except for me. It’s my hang out. Or it was mu hang out when I did live in Chicago during my teenage years. He didn’t want to leave.

I hung out with him. It was nice to finally hang out with my little brother. But I wasn’t as enthused as he was perhaps. Is that mean? I am certainly the black sheep of my family. I am the odd and distant one. I love my time away from my family. most of the time, in my life, I am so focused on my success, my comfort, and my pleasure I suppose. And I don’t like any interruptions in that. I guess it’s not so bad. I love my art, and I want to be successful and make millions in some one. I don’t want to be average. So, in that way,  I am very different from my family.

I didn’t get to read the books I had planned on reading when I got back. I went immediately to looking up photographers and looking at photos of the girl I am going to shoot. I sketched one of her photos. I watched some photography videos, and I listened to a lot of music as I tried to visualize our shoot. I really want us to connect. I this this to be the best shoot ever. She is stunning. I’m sure this will be a very very very good shoot. I am going to visualize the hell out of this shit. I’m going to watch more photography videos, today. We have to connect, and this HAS to be good. I really can’t wait. Visualize…visualize !

Yeah, so, on to another subject. When I was at my real mom’s house, I was finally able to step on a weight scale. I think the thing is broken. It doesn’t seem like I gained weight. It seems like I either way the same or I lost weight. My weight before I left was 155 pounds standing on my scale bare naked. When I stepped on my mom’s scale with cloths and shoes on and with things in my pocket. It said 160. I have not been eaiting healthy at all since I have been here. I have been paranoid that I have gained about 10 pounds. Maybe I’m too paranoid? I’m sure the scale is broken. I can’t wait to get back to my healthy diet at home. I really love putting flaxeed and cinnamon in my yogurt for breakfast.

The next time I take vacation, I am going to Hawaii to see my best friend. He is Vietnamese. Admittedly, I am a lot more happier to be around them than I am my own family–more positive attitudes. I don’t think I will have any concern what so ever when I visit him and his family. They call be family. They really want to hook me up with a Vietnamese girl. Sometimes or more often than sometimes, I feel like the girl that will marry and settle down with will be a Vietnamese girl. I get along with this culture so well. I love using chop sticks to eat and I love the food. Asians have influenced a great deal of my personality. All of this concern of my weight and health will be immediately forgotten about when I take all the food his family offers me. Maybe because it’s sooo good, and it’s usually not processed food anyways. It is healthy and natural Vietnamese food. I can’t wait to see them.

Anyways, take care journal. Today I will read the books that I had planned on reading yesterday. I will do some laundry, and I will watch some photography videos. I will really sit down and visualize my shoot with the girl. Take care.

Oh, he treats me with respect,
He says he loves me all the time
He calls me fifteen times a day.
He likes to make sure that I’m fine
You know I’ve never met a man who’s made me feel quite so secure
He’s not like all them other boys, they’re all so dumb and immature
There’s just one thing…that’s getting in the way.

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One thought on “11/29/15

  1. Being the “black sheep” doesn’t particularly mean that it’s something what is not supposed to be there. You just like your own space and that’s what matters the most I guess. You are who you are and that fits you. I hope that the photoshoot’s gonna be as amazing as you want!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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