How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. I decided to write to you early and over coffee rather than at the end of the day. It helps me envision things. I’m inspired by a video I watched on youtube last night:
I like to listen to that guy. So if I write my plans to you, before I start my day that’s the same as envisioning, I think.
Anyways, yesterday, after I came home, I did nothing. I guess I can count it as spending time with mom. At least I am putting some effort into that, so I can look at it that way, instead. We talked a little bit–sporadically as she hung out in her bedroom and I hung out in the living room. I talked to one of my sisters on the phone, last night since my mom was on the phone with her. I didn’t even say anything about my mom and my sister said, “I would try and come visit mom, but I can only handle so much of her personality. It’s just too much. The lady has issues.” I was happy she suddenly said that. Now I know it’s not only me ! It’s a sad and maybe mean thing to say, but I don’t like my mom all that well. I’ll do my best as a son. But it’s confirmed, now. She has issues, and I don’t like her. There’s no guilt about that anymore. I try not to reflect back on being raised and thinking about how it affects my personality. There’s no need to blame anyone for that. I can fix that part.
I messaged two girls, back in California when I was on the computer last night. I have no more guilt about being a wuss with my German friend, Memo. She wanted to see me, but I wasn’t enthused. I’m over it, now, and I want to see her. So I just messaged her asking her when is she leaving California to go back to Germany. The second girl…or lady, I should say, is someone from an old job that I was going to date, but another coworker interfered and I started dating her instead and her and I became enemies of some sort after that. But suddenly I started to miss her. So I messaged her on facebook out of the blue and she responded asking how am I. I waited a while, and didn’t respond to last night saying that I miss her and everything. She lives in Mexico and works at a branch of the company I used to work for. They often send workers to the branch in California. So that’s how we met.
I was very low and stupid at that time with none of the life skills that I rely upon, now. My photography was still in it’s beginning stages. That company–a good company, but it was weird. I don’t know what was going on with me there. There were a lot of women working there and I was just…bad. My first two weeks there, I became attracted to a beautiful Filipino woman named Heidi. I was very attracted to her. She had long hair and a beautiful face. Eventually she became attracted to me two, and she said that she wants to make plans to go out with me. Never mind that she was married. I was so bad, that I didn’t care at the time. We were getting ready to. We were lunching together at work and she cooked meals for me. I guess that was a sort of get to know me stage. I left all steps up to her.
While this was happening, I was reading a Zombie book. It was an OK book. I was just sort of “whatever” about it since the story line resembled that of “The Walking Dead” too much. Anyways, in this book there was a part where the characters are talking to each other in a prison. One of the prisoners brought up the story about why he was in jail. He said that he was in there because he killed his wife’s lover. His wife was cheating on him. The murder description was brutal. I suddenly thought, “that’s me and that Filipino lady. What if that happens to me !?” Besides the initial guilt(though very little) I may have had, that suddenly added to it. So I distanced myself from her without saying anything. I can tell she resented me and she watched my every move.
My every move being, the next lady I would hang out with. That cycle came so many times there. I would run into a new lady, become friendly and attracted to them. Usually, they were married they’d cook for me then suddenly I would back out. The reasons varied. Some would be too open about it then I would worry about my reputation at work then I would back out. The Filipino lady watched everything. I think she noticed. During one of the conversations we had happened to get into about spirituality, she suddenly looked a little hurt and then she said to me, “well, if you do that, you can’t be a womanizer.” I sort of knew what she was getting at, but I played dumb. All of these cycles came up with a lot of older women and women my age. It even happened with a pregnant young girl. But she started the conversation with me. Then one day, while I was walking through the break room, and in front of everybody, she was sitting in a chair and she saw me and reached for a hug. I accepted. We played the roles of pretend boyfriend and girlfriend for a while. She even hired me to photograph her baby shower. I feel guilty about that, now. I should have done it for free. So yeah, I had all kinds of women flirt with me there. Some admitted that they would have sex with me, jokingly. Some asked me out to lunch and asked to do things after work, together like go to the gym, get a manicure together, etc. Some single, most had boyfriends or were married.
Ah…there was the really young girl. She was absolutely gorgeous. She was tall and with long hair. I never spoke with her because I knew she would be distant because that’s how women are when they are beautiful and get hit on a lot. But one day, she suddenly started a conversation with me. Then she would come to my desk everyday about 5 or ten minutes near the end of work to talk to me. I was always shy, but never asked her out. One day I did. She said let me think about it. During break, she parked her car next to mine. For some reason, I said to myself, “well if she has to think about it that means she doesn’t like me and I should leave it alone.” It seemed like she was waiting for me to say something about it again. But I distanced myself immediately. She obviously wanted me to say something when she parked her car next to mine so that we could talk at the end of work, “duh !” I thought this slightly at the time, but I didn’t catch it. She became very mean to me after, and tried to get me in trouble once, but it back fired on her. I stopped ignoring her and being distant and we became friends. She eventually got married and became pregnant. I saw her going from being tall and thin to very fat after having a baby, but I’m sure she will work that off. Best of luck to her.
So, anyways, back to this Hispanic woman. She is coming back in December and seems excited to see me. She’s single 🙂
I’m certainly over my adultery days. So far, I told myself that I will never give up my lifestyle, but I can at least follow “The Ten Commandments” as I know them, for now. They’re not that bad. It says, don’t desire your neighbor’s wife and no adultery. That will level up my game. Adultery and wanting someone else’s wife is just low and bad. So that kills my desire for that Russian girl. If we ever do see each other again, at least I’ll be better at coming from the agenda of being a good friend. Low is a good word. I was very low at that time. I was still contemplating suicide. So besides me initially being afraid of a husband coming after me, another part of me said , “well, it’s an awesome path to suicide, so why not?” I no longer contemplate suicide.
Anyways, I wrote a lot, and I am getting ready to leave. I’m going to stop my a huge and famous library here and maybe get free tickets to things. I heard they often give out free passes at the library. I’ll be very relaxed and ready to take in things while doing so. It’s very possible that I will meet a beautiful girl there.
After that, I will go to the Lincoln park Zoo, and I will have a very relaxed and fun time watching and learning about animals that I haven’t seen in a while. It’s very possible that I will meet a beautiful girl there.
I’m not sure what I will do after that. Perhaps I’ll go Downtown again and observe a different part and do photos. It’s very possible that I will meet a beautiful girl while doing so.
While on the bus and train rides to my destinations. I will go through my Elevate assignments(http://elevateapp.com/#/); my Memrise Spanish assignments(http://www.memrise.com/courses/english/spanish/); and my Duolingo Spanish assignments(https://www.duolingo.com/) They only take about ten minutes each.
I will also read the two pdfs from my English class. That’s about another 10 minutes. I will also continue to read “About That Fling” by Tawna Fenski. And I’ll read a section from The Bible. I’ll meditate for ten minutes before I leave.
Anyways, take care Journal. Wish me luck !
Letters burning by my bed for you.
I can feel my instincts here for you.
By my bed for you.