Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. I feel fantastic, actually. I am 1,000% sure about it this time. I feel very postitive and energetic like I normally would be so I totally blame the ashwagandha. It made me tired all day and it made me want to sleep for like 20 hours. That’s all I wanted to do ! I was in another world. i was poisoned. I guess it’s only meant for people with ultra high levels of stress and who really really needs it. The rhodiola rosea, however, is the best. That’s where I get my energy from. I will never stop taking it. Ashawagandha was 5x worse than “The Emporer’s Tea Pills”(Tian Wang Bu Xin Wan) that I was taking when I really did need sleep. Those pills work wonders for me, at the time. But when I decided to keep taking them, probably more than I needed to anymore, they made me sleepy all day ! I was falling asleep everywhere.

Yesterday, I slept good. I did drink some “Sleepytime Tea”, so that helped a little bit. I edited that girl’s photos a bit and then I went to sleep. I kept waking up, though. I set my alram for 2:00. I think it went off, but I decided to lay down another hour and didn’t wake up until a few hours later. So I over slept, I guess, and I missed Krav Maga class again. I will not allow myself to feel bad about that. I am dealing with things here. I am a consistent student. I’m going to go this Saturday for sure. I’m a llittle bit reluctant to go because there is a big party I am going to on Friday night and also because I meeting up to do a shoot with another girl on Saturday at 2pm, but hey, that will not be bad. I can do this. I will just drink light on Friday night. But if I drinked all night and used a little blow to keep myself up in the morning, that will be interesting. I have never done that. I don’t plan on trying it. I’ll just drink lightly. Coffee or something will really be needed, though. That party may not end until 6:00am. Class will go from 10am until 11am. I meet the girl at 2. I have plenty of time for plenty of sleep. I have to push myself. That’s nothing.

Anyways, so after I woke up. I felt great, and not drained of energy because of the ashwagandha. I sat up, in bed, and I meditated for 15 minutes. I think I may turn it up to 20 minutes since I have been very consistent. I may try 10 minutes on some days and that will be nothing. I can fine tune my focus for 10 minutes. I may be getting the hang of this. After that, I had some black tea and some mixed berries mixed with flaxeed and cinnamon. I actually love this detox diet. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be. I am not starving. I think tea really does suppress the appetite like it says. I had that breakfast as I continued to edit that girl’s photos. I sent them to her then I made my lunch and dinner for work. This diet consist of about 75-80% spinach. I feel amazing from it already. It’s only the second day. I will definitely do this diet, again. After Friday, I’m going to mix up some things or do the flat belly diet again until I leave for Chicago.

I sent a text to a girl who gave me her phone number Saturday night, but she never responded. That was just after I edited my friend’s(I can say friend, now. We’re friends, at this point) photos, but she never responded. Shrugs. She was decent looking, though. So tomorrow is the big day. I meet up with this girl. I can’t wait to hear what she has to say–What has she been up to–what has she been going through. I will not make it a therapy session for her. I just want to see her. I haven’t seen her in a year, I think. I wonder if I will still have feeling for her when I see her. Sometimes girls I come back to are not pretty to me anymore. I didn’t cut my hair. I’m taking that girl’s advice for a bit, but I will cut it when I go to Chicago. When I get home, I’m going to take a nice hot shower, put on some olive oil, and go right to bed. Maybe I should have wine too. I will need to be relaxed when I see this girl. I don’t think I’ll be in the mood for ‘shots’ when I wake up. We’ll see how I feel. I brought the Sleepy time tea and magnesium pills to work with me so that I can take one and drink the tea on the way home from work. That way, I’ll be relaxed by the time I get home and will fall asleep easily. I will need to get up earlier to go and see her, and I want to be well rested. I think it’s better to have two glasses of wine or so before I see her. Maybe a shot and two glasses of wine. We’ll see how I feel. I just want to be relaxed. Maybe I will not take anything. But screw that because I didn’t take anything the last time I saw her. We had a good connection and a great time, but still. My intuition is telling me to cheat a little. So it’s going to be a hot bath, olive oil(I always feel great the next day if I sleep with oilve oil on my body. I don’t know why), I’m going to do my few  barely inches of hair with wave grease on over night, I have a black outfit ready, and maybe the shot and wine. Whatever it means to look and be my best, I will be it. I know 100% that she is not going to cancel. She’s not like that at all. Isn’t that nice? 🙂

It’s either I really like that girl or I am losing my mind in various ways. Am I desperate? What does it mean to be desperate? I don’t act like that with every girl. I just missed her for so long. I regretted not being upfront with questions she was asking me. Anything she ask me this time, I will be upfront about it. I’ll be totally honest with her–no dating strategies or game playing. I think tomorrow will go perfectly, though. I just miss her and I’m glad I get to see her again. I doubt we’ll start talking about relationships already. But that’s all we ever talked about with each other since we met so we probably will. I was going to write to you about another girl, but I will do that another time. It’s the same girl that I always mean to write to you about, but I always say I will do it another time. I just want to live out my sprungness for a few seconds here since the mood for it came up as I was writing. Who’s going to make it to our spot first!? If I make it there first, should I get lost in a video game so that I’m not anxious and turning my head somewhere every few seconds looking for her? Is her hair still ultra long? What will we talk about? How long will we be together? Does she still like me? Will she blush like she did before? Will I tell her I think she’s a good potential girlfriend if I feel that way and conclude that during our time together? I will make sure my observations are on point. What will she do that I don’t like? What will our conversations lead to. What everything !

OK. I’m done. I’ll leave our talk at that. Take care, journal. I’m not going to do any coding, today. I’m just going to read Money Masters and watch a photography video.

Take care !

There’s a secret in the dark.
People are sobbing like a rainbow.
I can feel it in the air.
Through the silence in the room.
If I try to find the keys to what I’m missing.
Will I give my life away to everyone?



4 thoughts on “11/12/15

  1. Sending a lot of “coffee energy” to you, by the way the”allblack” outfits are the best and my favourite ones, everyone looks better in black. I also hope that the meeting will go well!! Can’t wait to read about it. Good luck 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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