11/06/15

Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me I’m fine. Yesterday…I don’t know what to call it. It was a disaster; or maybe my body did need all of this rest I have been getting. After work, yesterday, when I finally did go to sleep, I slept all God damned day until it was time for me to work again. I got up and took a longer shower. I’m enjoying that fact that it might be actually possible that the oatmeal and honey soap I bought from Trader Joe’s is good for me.  I packed some quick things to take with me to work to eat because I didn’t even have time to make my lunch and dinner. That’s how much I slept. Today I feel normal. I’m sure about it this time. I’m going to write down everything I plan to do for today and then do it.

I guess I already told you that the girl agreed on our meeting. I really do get the feeling that this is the girl that will become my girlfriend. There is this weird feeling of certainty. All the things that people have been telling me for years, “When it is the one, you will know it”, is the feeling I get or is what comes up in my head when I think about our situation. Ever since she stepped  back in, I haven’t been feeling like doing any of my normal things. They all seem irresponsible. Not in the sense that I am going to stop doing it, but in a sense that it would be irresponsible for to continue that without stopping to address this major issue–I have never had a girlfriend a day in my life. I had one when I was five, but that doesn’t count for anything. I had the same three prostitutes that I used to circulate with for a few years, but there is no way that I could ever count them as being girlfriends. I’ve had affairs(the boyfriend of the cheating wife)  that lasted a few years, but I will not include those. I’m just ready for a warm and peaceful relationship.  I really feel like I will get this from her. And dammit it’s time anyway isn’t it?

But if she doesn’t fall through, my feelings are creepy. If she doesn’t fall through, I’ll be left in this darkness. Darkness is the wrong word for me to use, but it sounds more dramatic. If she doesn’t fall through, I’ll be left doing stylelife challenge and trying to attract girls everywhere I go. I’ll be left to the parties and the drugs with no warmness to return home to…just me and this journey/mission. The creepy thing about this is that she may not even have feelings at all. I’m probably way over the top here. But it’s OK because this is kind of gray. We’re two single people of the opposite sex meeting up somewhere.

I had these weird feelings about the German girl when I first met with her privately. Which makes me think I’m right about the girl above. That German girl liked me, a lot. It showed(maybe even intentionally on her part) in the text she was sending me: “Hurry up and get here ! ! ! ” “Where are you ! ?” It shows in the smiles of the photos that I had of her. Then I had the same intense feeling like I do now. I didn’t have the feeling that she will become my girlfriend. It was just something about her that made me hate every single girl I had dealt with before her. It was a feeling of hate for them, but it was a feeling of “those were little lost girls. She is real.” We had feelings for each other and she probably still does. I just marked her as a lost battle. I had the opportunity to touch her, and I wussed out. She knew it and lost respect for me. She’s back in country, now. She’s excited about meeting me again–a second chance. But I am not excited. She asked me to come to a festival that she’ attending, now, but I can’t make it. I sent her a short and delayed text saying that I can’t make it. Maybe she feels like I have someone. Now when I think about them both, I am split 80-20. Are my feelings fake?

Well, I feel like I wrote enough. Take care !

I’m going to go hiking, today. That’s for sure.

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