Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me I’m fine. Today went by well. I’m more motivated to build my website now. I’m certain that the best thing I can do is build it little by little. So in that case, I am about 80% done. I wrote some good HTML and CSS. I have, what I think is, an awesome idea for building it little by little. I could have worked on it more, but I over slept three hours. I did have a hard time falling asleep when I got home, though. I went to bed much later than normal, and I still tried to get up at my normal time, but I failed miserably. I think the alarm went off and I shut it back off and then went to sleep for another 2 or three hours. I think I couldn’t sleep because I was a little hype from an incident I made for myself at the grocery store. Sometimes, I shop at a mainstream grocery store when I am out of small things and haven’t had a chance to go to my special store. Every time I go in there, I notice the security guards following me around. I was always upset about it, so I had a little built up anger already. Today I mean mugged the guy. Then I yelled, “Hey you little $7.00/Hr ass niggas don’t have anything to do but follow me around?” The security guard got upset and was going to say something, but the cash register lady also got upset and said something to me before he got the chance to. She snatched my bottle of wine form the register and accused me of smelling like alcohol: “Sir you can’t come in here and cuss out the security guards. Honestly, you already smell like alcohol, and based off how you’re acting, I can tell you’re already too drunk.”

What!? I wasn’t drunk at all and I’m sure I didn’t smell like alcohol. Unless she was smelling the unwashed dishes form my lunch and dinner that I had in my backpack. I’m sure she was just shocked. I know that wasn’t the right way for me to behave, but the devil/dark side of me loved it. Acting arrogant, superior, putting people down, pissing people off. I thought of going back to apologize, today, but I said screw it. It’s OK to have the reputation of being an asshole here and there. I can’t be nice ALL the time. My line is funny to me. I walked out for a second and refused to buy anything, but I came back and asked to speak to a manager. I had nothing to complain about, I guess. So I just told her that her cash register lady snatched my wine away, and that I would like to continue with my purchase. I’d love to see their faces next time I’m in there. If they follow me around again I’ll just make another legal but annoying and feather ruffling comment. It’s not the nicest behavior to partake in, but hey. I’m a goth and I feel like being bad.

So I was a little angered and hype from that. At soon as I woke up I had breakfast and I looked at and answered a few emails. More girls want to shoot with me, and I’m not motivated to respond. Why? Am I losing drive? Or am I too concerned about my other life problems? I responded anyways. I think I will be able to do one Sunday and one Friday. I will aim for that. I already have the Sunday one planned. She is beautiful, and she seems like she’s a nice girl. The Friday one(if she agrees on Friday) is very beautiful as well. I’m going to think about the kind of shoot I want, tonight. That might involve the nudity and hotel room–more money I find myself spending.

I spent a ridiculous amount of money from my last paycheck. So much for emergency fund and car savings. $70 went on Halloween. $180 for a plane ticket. $150 for a website server. I don’t remember spending that much last year. Did I? I could have sworn it was only $15 a year. I should have taken the time to call them. I’m sure the price is what they emailed me about though. I have to take full advantage of all that money spent. That’s what bugged me the most when I think about all that I’ve spent. My next paycheck, which is this coming Friday I have to pay rent and a phone bill. If we end up getting a hotel room, so be it. But you know what?  I’m going to give her an option. Either we shoot outside such and such style or we use a room — such and such style. If she chooses the room…which is what I do want, actually, then it is on. She just has that kind of erotic look. So, at this point, it’s time to get out of whatever thinking mode I am stuck in, get off my ass, and shoot with these girls. The money thing will be OK.

I still haven’t set up a date with the girl I am supposedly in love with. I only told her we should catch up some time this month. I’m glad I didn’t jump right on it. I’m glad I have been genuinely busy. Things work out better when you are this way, you know? — the mysterious game. Except it’s not an intentional things for me. It’s real.

She a porn star girl, oh, from the valley
Who left her hometown world all for the alley
Oh, created Lake Tahoe all from her panties
Ooh, used to take the long way home, long way home, all for that candy



One thought on “11/02/15

  1. I do really enjoy reading your thoughts a lot, even if I discovered it today. It kinda fascinates me how you write in general and it seems like a book to me.
    Also to add I also feel kinda “thrilled” when I am being arrogant to people, because as you said, you can’t always be nice to people (they mostly use it and you end up lile the screwed one) anyway thanks a lot for this!

    Liked by 1 person

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