10/23/14(A Love Story: Truth Coming Out)

Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. I’m getting ready to go to Krav Maga.  I’m eating breakfast. I’m doing something called a “Tea Diet.” It’s not as harsh as it sounds. It just calls for me to have a different type of tea with every healthy meal. I’m having grapefruit and yogurt with flaxeed and black tea. I absolutely do not like grapefruit but I’m making myself get used to it.

Last night, I went out. Actually, yesterday, I did a lot of things. I started off going grocery shopping. I spent so much on groceries this time it seems. On the way back home, I saw the same girl who approached me last Saturday. She was happy to run into me. We talked a lot. We still didn’t exchange phone numbers. I thought she was less pretty this time, but I still liked her lips. I like the thought of developing a relationship from meeting somebody in this way.
After I made it home, I laid down a bit and drank wine. It nearly put me to sleep for the rest of the night. But I woke up just in time to make it to the party early enough to get in for an inexpensive price.

I didn’t have a chance to get wasted i.e fucked up like I wanted to, but I survived. Maybe it was better for me. I was very relaxed the whole night, though, and I was very confident.

I met a lot of girls last night. I started a conversation with one at a table we just happened to share for a bit. It was all in friendliness, though. She was with her boyfriend/date. We stopped talking when he came back from the rest room. I met the second girl on the dance floor. I saw her watching me out of my peripheral vision. She said something to me then: “So how do you feel about this night?” She was a beautiful girl. She was a little wasted but was sober enough. I’m not sure why I decided to show her all the dance floors of the club. I guess we didn’t connect. We ended up hugging and parting ways. I didn’t let it bother me. The night was still early and that was the only girl who talked to me so far. I left the dance floor after a while and I went to the smoke/chit chat area. I saw a lot of familiar faces.
I started getting really sociable. I was talking to a girl that I already knew. We started kind of walking around and talking together. We went to the bar to get beers. While we were waiting, she started talking to another guy. Various girls came up talking to me. I was just having fun. I started conversations with a few of them by throwing money at them stripper style. That’s how I met this one girl.
After throwing money at her, she thought it was funny and we started having a conversation and we exchanged names. Another guy butted in the conversation as I was distracted getting a beer. She had no interest in him. Various guys hit on her that night.
We lost each other when I ordered my beer but we ran into each other again. That’s when we started talking a lot. I made sure to keep deep eye contact with her. She liked me, and she likes a lot of what I had to say. She was absolutely gorgeous, but I wasn’t sure if I liked her outside of that so I didn’t go further. I didn’t ask for a number or anything. She even asked me to follow her to another section of the club and I declined. What the hell is wrong with me? We parted ways, but we ran into each other again. She called my name when she saw me. Some guys were hitting on her, but she started talking to me. She introduced me to her girlfriend. We gave each other a long hug when her and her friend decided to go somewhere else. My meaning for the long hug was more like a sad goodbye.
The truth is…I don’t know what the truth is. I didn’t know what I wanted that night. I wanted to do a mini photo session with someone beautiful more than I wanted to meet someone. Maybe that’s what I was confused about. Or maybe that’s just my problem. I don’t know what I want. I don’t feel like I have really mapped that out, yet. I guess I should just stick with that basic list I made a few days ago. Or maybe I felt useless to them I don’t have an apartment to bring them to or another party after. Maybe it was because I didn’t have a plan. I guess I can take notes from that interaction and use it on the next girl.

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