10/04/15 (I don’t watch porn)

Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. I feel OK, today. I’m just thinking about how moving totally kicked my ass, both financially and energy wise. I’ll get over of, though. I have to buy a plane ticket to go visit family in Illinois, too, so that may kick my ass as well. I’m going to sell my car, though, so that will help me out in cash a little. I may have to get a part-time job somewhere, but I don’t want to. Do I have to or  should I save my energy for more studies and just look for more photography gigs? I would dwell upon the fact that I can’t believe I’m this age and I have so little material things, but that will be bad for me. We won’t do that. Maybe I’m not one to go to for wisdom either or maybe I am.

Which brings me to yesterday.

I hung up some photos last night. It was no big deal like I made it to be in my head. My display was simple, but it looked nice. Not to toot my own horn, but out of all the photographers that came, I think I had the best work. It was dirty and controversial–nude photos of a beautiful girl. I was a tad bit sad she couldn’t make it. She did email me asking how it went though. I can tell she wanted to come.

I wasn’t wise with my little money at all. I spent like $40. The crowd wasn’t really my type either. I was there supporting a friend. I was glad to see her perform. She’s beautiful and energetic. I can tell she has some wild in her. Maybe I’ll shoot with her someday.

So, anyways, back to the wisdom part. I met a beautiful girl while there. She was beautiful! Throughout the night we ran into each other and kept talking. She introduced herself to me first, and then she seemed nervous about getting my attention again when I said bye to her the first time and kept roaming around the place. I sat down at the place where I met her, later. I knew she wanted to sit. She seemed nervous at first, but she said: “Sorry, I’m going to sit down, ” as she sat down next to me. Long story short, the reason I feel like I don’t have wisdom is because I didn’t have any advice to offer her when a conversation about porn came up. She said that her boyfriend watches it and she can’t stand it. She said it hurts her that he gets aroused by that instead of her. I had no advice for her really. I have no opinions about porn either. She is 100% right, though. I thought she was beautiful. Why would he get attracted to actors on a TV instead of her beautiful self. What I got from her from the first moment I met her is that she was looking. Was she attracted to me, maybe so. I could be wrong there though. Anyways, I don’t watch porn. I told her that. I only told her, somewhere during our conversation, “I don’t watch porn.” These days I do because I work with someone that runs a porn show and for every girl I meet there, I google her name to try and find her work and all of these porn videos come up.

I was never really a fan of porn. I never hated it, but I just never was the type to kick back and watch a porn video. I forgot that these type of conversations even existed because of the type of women that I’m used to being around. A number of women had told me this before, though. I forgot about them. A lot of guys claim that if a guy tells you that he doesn’t watch porn, he’s lying. This is not true. I don’t watch it because of what I just said. I’m just not that type.

Her boyfriend’s art work kept falling down while he was talking to someone else and she kept excusing herself to pick it up. When it fell again, I just got up and walked away–hiding my desire to sit and continue to talk to her. I think that was weird, rude, and stupid of me. Other than her, I had no one to talk to really. I didn’t know who to talk to. A group of guys offered me weed, and I smoked it with them. But I didn’t want to latch on to them either. I kept trying to fit in with someone, but she was the only one I clicked with. I should have just let it flow. I’ll remember this next time I’m out talking to a girl. I always disappear on them. I’m a very social person, and I’m not needy. I will not disappear again.

That girl thinks she’s the queen of the neighborhood
She’s got the hottest trike in town
That girl she holds her head up so high
I think I want to be her best friend, yeah

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