10/01/15

Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. I have a thing or two on my mind, though. I’m not sure what made me think about this. I have always thought of this, actually. But the reason I had failed so much in the past is because I am a very soft person. I was not right at all in the past. I had no life skills what so ever. I was very soft. I could have done a lot more had I had the smarts that I have now. I was going through a book by Robert Greene called, “The 50th Law.” I read part of a chapter where he talks about knowing win to be bad. It’s basically a chapter about strategies for being aggressive and firm. Thinking back on my own history. That was one of my major issues. I was always very passive,  most of the time, but I did have a brutal temper. I didn’t know how to handle conflict intelligently. My strategy was to ignore things until I couldn’t take it anymore and then cause harm out of nowhere, when the person may have already forgotten that I let him walk over me. How important it is to be aggressive. Don’t be nice.

I’m so anxious to be an asshole, now that I read this. I think I may have fun being released from this passive prison that I let myself be trapped in. I may just stir some trouble now, and stand there with my arms folded like, “so what” if you know hat I mean. I missed out on so much. I will never be that way again.

Of course this has me thinking about girls. Ruth was the most beautiful girl that has ever come near me in my life. My confidence was so low, at the time, that I just couldn’t believe she liked me. I was nervous as hell when we actually met up that day. I just couldn’t believe it. She was excited, and she wanted to have fun. MY low confidence, nervousness, and inexperience destroyed her expectations, though. I had no game plan for her. She saw me on her two days off, if you know what I mean. That means she was open to sleeping with me. All of it flew way past my head. At some point during my embarrassing day with her she said, “You need more confidence.” She was tall, very tall. She was taller than me. She had these big round sparkling blue eyes. I’m so ticked at myself for messing that up.

And then there was Mimi. She went from being exited to about me to sort of mean and disrespectful to me, and I know that it was all due to my passiveness. We had a moment where I was certain she wanted me to touch her, but I was too chicken shit to do it. She didn’t come near me in that way ever since. She didn’t even hug me anymore like she did all the other guys so I knew something was up there. I screwed up. Both of those girls were from Europe somewhere. Mimi is coming back. I’m not sure if I should hang out with her, again though. What’s done is done. I’ll take my growth elsewhere.

I’m being healed. and I will not give up.

This is the darkest side
Of a beautiful feeling
Born out of chemistry
And the tangle of needing
Watch you while you sleep
I’m the one who is dreaming
Oh there’ll be jealousy

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