09/12/15 (Writing 101 Day 9)

Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. Today seems smooth, and I have energy. I feel good today. I woke up and got my head together from last night…well, I woke up and got my head together from last night and masturbated to a girl I met last night. There’s nothing wrong with that. I grew to learn to not be ashamed of myself about stuff like that. I’m so not worried about it these days, that I already know that if I told that to a girl, she will not be disgusted. Girls like talking about sex. I grew to learn that. I had to get used to it. In the past, when I heard about the stuff that girls did with guys, I was disgusted and judgmental of them. But I was horrible at life, women, and everything in general. I was a loser with an opinion. Now I’m not.

So I woke up, did that, played Frontline Commando on my phone until I was O’K’ with being awake; then I decided to get up and…have coffee and take my Rhodiola Rosea and Chromium pills. Rhodiola Rosea is amazing. I tried to tell this to a girl at a party, yesterday. I wanted to because the topic came up briefly. She didn’t want to hear it. She wanted me to get out of her face, which I did. Thinking back, now, I can totally see why she wanted me too. It sounded like I was trying to sell her drugs. She was yelling: “I don’t want ecstasy, coke, molly, none of that. Just go !” Given the environment. I 100% seemed like a drug pusher at that point. A lot of people were doing drugs, though. She just wasn’t one of them I don’t think. Anyways, I see big improvements with my mood and mental state, energy, and everything. So on day two of being thankful, I’m going to take this moment to say that I am grateful to have the curiosity to find about about such a thing. If you’re reading this, youtube it ! You’ll see a lot of great and informative videos about it. I’m thankful to be able to spare the money to buy Rhodiola. I’m thankful to be comfortable right now, and to be here writing on wordpress while listening to a youtube mix of Flying Lotus songs. I’m thankful for the great day that I’m about to allow myself to have in Chinatown right now.
I’m wearing teeth whitening strips, right now, and I find them to be pretty uncomfortable. But I gotta have those whiter teeth ! I really can’t wait to take them out.

Yesterday was perfect. Before I went out, I watched a 2 hour Jim Rohn video. It was awesome. I know it will change my life. Out of all the self help people I’ve listened to, he’s the one that I like the most. I totally understand him. He is it. I like his style, and I like his voice. I am thankful that I found him. I heard about him through Tony Robbins. I don’t like Tony Robbins as much. I’m going to review the notes today on the way to Chinatown.

After that, I drove my car to the metro station. I sat in it and listened to rock and roll while getting wasted. I took the time to respond to an Instagram message that a girl had sent me. She is absolutely gorgeous. It’s amazing. I like the fact that I only tapped her shoulder on the metro station to start a conversation with her. I bluntly told her that I thought she was pretty, and now she’s a part of my life.We’re not dating. I only told her that I would like to photoshoot her. We met up on another day and did the photoshoot. I love her dimples. I love her cute face and her huge breast. I don’t know where to direct our relationship to. I’m sure she’s somewhat interested. I emailed her once after the photoshoot asking to shoot again, but she never responded. That was months ago. Now she sent me a message out of nowhere asking to meet up and shoot. I think it’s best to make it clear with myself and her that she will only be a friend. I need friends. I will not try and go further than that. I’m not even sure if I should even ask her for an erotic shoot. I definitely want that though. I’ll just read her and see what it seems like she wants to do. It’s nice to have her to use so that I can increase my creativity. I’m not sure how long she will be in my life. I’ll just do my best to be honest and good with her for the time that she’s here. I have to think of the kind of shoot I want us to do.

I hoped on the train and went to a bar in Hollywood. I was drunk this time. I am usually sober when I am there. When I am sober, life is dark and analytical. No one talks to me. When I am intoxicated, all kinds of people, girls and guys alike, come up to me, and I seem to have a lot of friends. Do drunk people put out some kind of positive vibes for one another? It seems so. I even busted my camera out and got to taking pics of a few people. My flash wouldn’t work, though, so they all suck. I went home and figured it out, this morning. I’ll try and bust it out on some girls I meet tonight. I had a beer at the bar, and I got hungry as well, and I decided to order a chicken quesadilla. I tried to talk to the girl sitting next to me. I didn’t pay attention to my eye contact or anything. She wasn’t interested. She seemed to be at first. But then she asked me if I was in the bar alone. When I said “Yes”, she seemed to lose interest. I guess I can understand that? Was it becomes I made excuses as to why I was there alone? Anyways, I left the bar and went directly to my friend’s party in Chinatown.

I had been to this place many times. It was crowded this time ! I’m happy for my friend. She used to have these parties on Thursdays, and I was never able to make it. I’m glad she switched it to Friday this time. I think when I went in I met a girl right away. I forgot who initiated the conversation. I think it was me. Her friends ditched us and let us talk. We were getting cozy. She bluntly told me that she likes sex. Perhaps I should have kept the topic about sex and ask her what kind of sex she likes and stuff. We were hugging and snuggling. I was hoping that my onion beer breath wasn’t popping up. I literally at half of a raw onion with my salad before I went out, and I forgot to buy gum. She bluntly asked me to buy her a beer. I told her that: “I don’t buy anything for anyone unless they deserve it ;ummm…give me a kiss.” We kissed for a bit, then I grabbed her hand and guided us threw the crowd and I bought us beers.  We snuggled for a bit more. I didn’t want to follow her around all night, so I let her be. Maybe, in that case I should have gotten her number. That’s not the girl I masturbated to by the way. Though, she was beautiful.

I walked around, talked to people, and tried to figure out my camera again. I met a really hot girl when I pointed my camera at her. She looked like someone I had in my life before during my idiot and total clueless and low self confidence days. That girl was an 11. She was tall and had sparkling blue eyes and very long and sexy legs. She was highly interested in me. I caught  how she was looking at me on the dance floor those years ago. I didn’t get it. I was an idiot. I’m so glad we didn’t really date, though. I would have hurt her. I don’t want to run into her again. She knew I had zero confidence. She even told me: “You need to bump up your confidence.” I even ran into her, naturally, at a club in Hollywood some months later. It seems like she was excited, or maybe she was creeped out and pretending to be excited. My confidence was still the same at that point. I was very clueless about everything. It seemed like she measured that and maybe observed my demeanor and wandering no contact eyes, and she bluntly walked off when she saw I was the same. I think I’ll always be embarrassed with her, but maybe it’s time to let that go. Anyways, I talked to that girl, briefly; she looked like her.

Oh ! Let’s make note that before I went to my friend’s party, I vomited on myself on the metro train. I vomited a lot. I got embarrassed and ran to another cart, and I vomited again. I vomited on three different carts. That was stupid. I vomited on myself and kept trucking it. I made it to my friends party, and I made out with that girl come to think about it !

So anyways, I remembered to do my stylelife challenge day 8. I had to approach three different girls and groups. I took the time to do that. Most people thought my opening line was so random and weird: “How do you keep up with the music you listen to?”

One girl was actually excited about it. We had a long conversation about music. She was really awesome. We knew a lot of the same bands, and we were both surprised about how no one listens to nor have heard of the music we like. She’s the reason I’m listening to this Flying Lotus youtube mix, right now. I actually love this mix. Anyways, I’ll read about day 9, today. I have to keep up with a few things I was asked to do in the book, though. . Maybe I should take the time to review and make a few things a habit.

The last girl I met is the one I masturbated to. She was highly interested. She caught me on the dance floor and asked me to sit down next to her so she could fan me. She had sparkling blue eyes and natural red hair. She was beautiful. We snuggled and talked a lot. Eventually we started dancing together. I never sexually escalate, which may be my problem, so   I took the moment to test that out. After the last time she held me tightly to her, I whispered in her ear and asked her if she wanted to get a room. Hey, I need to test this stuff out. It’s the only way I’m going to improve. I’ve always heard that if you say nothing, you will get nothing. Madonna said it. She declined a bit and said she understood because it happens to her too. She gets horny too. I felt guilty about it. Perhaps I should have not let myself feel guilty about it. It messed up the flow of things. She become more snuggly after that and started holding me more tightly. She was locking hands with me and such. I noticed another girl that I always bump into at parties watching us pretty closely. I’m not sure why. I let her feel my boner and everything. We were pretty intense for a moment. Eventually, we stopped dancing and split up. I lost her. Maybe I should have gotten her phone number. I realize that phone numbers, kisses, hugs, all of that stuff are easy. Sex is the real part. Getting the girl to do a photoshoot with me, privately, at a party is the real part.

I wrote a lot today. I’m going to rush it to Chinatown.

Take care !

By the way, one of the most beautiful girls ever just put a nude photo that I took her on her Instagram and tagged me in it. I’m happy ! I can’t wait to hang up her gallery and get more information about the show.

Alls my life I has to fight, nigga
Alls my life I
Hard times like God
Bad trips like: “God!”
Nazareth, I’m fucked up
Homie you fucked up
But if God got us we then gon’ be alright
Nigga, we gon’ be alright
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