Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. I’m a little agitated. I keep trying to turn in my paperwork to these people so that I am able to keep my apartment and they keep giving me a hard time and saying that I am missing simple shit. I feel like I keep trying to do the right thing in life and I get punished for it. I guess I shouldn’t let it get to me. I try not to let it get to me. The only thing I can do is continue to give them what they ask for, but I will hate to lose my apartment. So I will get off this subject, both in this blog post, and mentally.

So today went by well. I did my best in it. My apartment is a mess and I am ashamed of myself. How do I let it get this way? It is a disaster. I really got to clean it tomorrow. I have always been messy this way ever since I was a kid. I had a brief period in my life where I was extremely neat, and that was when I was in the military. My room was always spotless. Those people who knew me back then would not believe how I live now. Today should be a turning point for me. I didn’t do dishes in my place for about two weeks, and when I finally got to them, today, I saw maggots in a bowl I went to wash ! Maggots ! Maggots ! Nooo !! That’s horrible. I don’t ever want to see maggots again. What in the world is wrong with me!? Friday, I’m staying in to clean no matter what, but I really want to go hiking somewhere. I have to explore my city. It shouldn’t take me long to clean tomorrow. It’s not like I’ve been too lazy to clean. I think I have just been busy. I’m not one of those people who browse facebook all day, I’m always learning something. But maybe I look at it more than I think and time adds up.

I’m on Stylelife Challenege day 5. It’s all about grooming for the most part. He gives us a list of things to pick to do. I want to do a manicure pedicure and I also want to buy teeth whitening strips, but I don’t have the money for either. Technically, I do have the money, but the thing is that…I don’t know. I’ve already spent loads this paycheck–like the $300 I spent on Friday alone for the hotel room and the girl, which was totally worth it, by the way. Those photos are amazing. I mean the film pics look tremendous, I’m not even sure why I didn’t like them at first. It’s like they’re so beautiful–a kind of beauty that was outside of my reality, but now I’m used to it. I look at these, and now I know I’m not a creep. This very clean and beauty dime piece of a girl is displaying comfort in being in the same room naked with me, and so have a few others before her. Maybe doing nude photos is like a really big thing, you know. I keep looking at this one photo and it is very special. I’ve listened to my most precious slow songs while just staring at it. I cropped out her boobs so that I can put it on facebook, but I think the crop made the photo look a lot better. Now it’s just mysterious nudity that you don’t see, and her face. It’s her bareness and the look on her face that I’m touched by, I just took a break from this entry and had a staring session. It’s the look on her face ! This photo is dangerous, man. It pulls me in. I know it’s good because it has gotten a lot of likes on my facebook even by two famous people. It’s soft. She has a very soft look. I love it. Ok, i’ll shut up about it. Where was I ? Oh yeah, money. other than that very beautiful Friday, I spent a lot on Rhodiola Extract, and I had to pay for something I broke in my apartment. Besides that, I have my “get laid fund” all saved up, and I don’t want to touch that. It’s money I have set aside in case I meet a girl one night and we get an uber and a room. i think $200 is enough for that. I have to find a way to make more money, fast. Apparantly, I’m not as smart as I think I am. Maybe I’m not even as ambitious as I think I am or even as some people have told me that I am. It’s not showing up in my life and bank balance, I don’t think. But I am doing my best. I am trying. Anyways, I guess the least I can do from the list of things given to me as an option for stylelife challenge day 5 is buy a new outfit, which I can do tomorrow, but going to this used clothing store that I like. I’ll just take my time and make sure I pick a good one. If I still have spending money after the weekend, I will get teeth whitening strips. But I’ve already done a number of things listed in stylelife challenge day 5, so I think I am one up already. On Sunday, I will proceed to day 6.

I read some small articles in Playboy today. They just reminded me of how not normal I am. There are some guys who get laid a lot people are meeting each other on tinder and hooking up, etc. I’m not doing either, and I feel so left behind, but not really. At this point, my success and money is my main concern.

Lastly, I have to mention to you that there are two women that I like for sure right now–my last photoshoot, and also this woman that I see when I get off work every morning. We take the same bus. She is old, but I still see something beautiful about her. Maybe there are many guys who like her besides me, you know. I had a 5 year relationship with a women much older than myself, before. People smiled when they saw us together, though. No matter how much we tried to hide it and say that we were friends. I ended up moving on all of a sudden. I really hurt her feelings…

Look, I found her
Red code
Look, I found her

I say I found her
Red code
I finally found her



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