08/03/15

Dear Journal,

How are you? I know that it has been a few days. I’ve been living in my head. since Friday night, I’ve been basically curled up and worried. Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I know that’s the wrong thing to do. I’ve just been very disappointed with my life, and I have no idea where to turn. I’ve been trying so many things, and maybe I’ve been doing good or maybe I’ve been doing bad. I don’t know. But where is the money? Where is the good quality of life. I don’t want to dwell on the bad or sound like a complainer, but I have to face the facts. I have to find a new place to live soon because I can no longer afford to pay rent where I am. I was so used to living alone, and it kills me to have to find a roommate. I’m 34, and it’s like I’ve made it nowhere. I have no one to blame but me, though. I had tried. How did I fail? Or have I fallen, yet? I have no idea what to do. I’ve been trying to learn so many new things. I have no idea what to do. I’ve been learning how to code on my own. I’m excellent at photography. I have a degree in a field that I failed at and no longer work in. So many people like and appreciate me. I’m healthy and I look good. I know I don’t look my age. Sometimes I just feel like I’m too old for this. I guess I should be embarrassed or sad, and I should just go with the flow. I mainly want to make it with my photography, so pick-up art and shooting will help me with that. It helps me to actually write this stuff down. I feel a whole lot better, now. I’ve been so drained of energy. Partly because I was a bit stressed and downcast, and partly because I had gained five pounds because I didn’t stay with my diet. I hate that I have to continue to stay on a diet. I really don’t see how I gain weight so fast when I am off of one. I didn’t eat anything unhealthy. But hey, I guess the professionals who wrote this stuff really know what they’re doing, as I lose weight quickly when I’m on one, so I appreciate them for that. I feel better just by sticking to a meal plan, today. I guess food combinations matter ‘THAT’ much.

Anyways, so Friday night I went out. I was so ready. I woke up and got dressed, but I was tired and a bit annoyed on the way to the club. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I really craved and needed coffee. I stayed up long hours again prior to this because I had went with a friend somewhere, which reminds me. He’s trying to make it as an artist too, and he doesn’t have a job, and he has kids and he’s older than me, and not nearly half as stressed or down, so why am I complaining?

So I went out Friday night. I was really ready. On the way to the club, girls were checking me out. A group of girls was walking behind me, they were talking, and then it got quite. I felt something(the need to look back) two of them were pretty close to me then looked away and blushed at each other when I looked back. Then they rushed and got in front of me because maybe I looked offended or curious. I didn’t speak or say anything. One of them looked back smiling. I anticipated a good night after that. I went out alone, by the way. When I made it to the club, I had one beer, then closer to 12 I had another one. I told myself that at 12:00am or 12:30am I’ll start picking up on girls. When that hour hit, I was so ready. I stepped outside to the smoking area to look for a potential target. i stood in one area for a few seconds. I started to go to a second area, and that’s when failure occurred, and I have all of my power to Rhonda. I was surprised to see my friend Rhonda, there. It was such a coincidence. She was there with her boyfriend. I don’t understand why I cared that she was there, but for some reason, when I saw her, I panicked. I’m sure it meant absolutely nothing to her, but I would have been embarrassed if she watched me chase girls all night. Chasing girls is not a big deal, and I know she doesn’t care. She didn’t even seem as surprised to see me there as I was when I saw her. She seemed very happy. It was such a simple thing. Why did I panic, and act weird and let it bother me. When I went over to say “hi”, I only talked for a few minutes and then told them I was on the way back inside. I went home immediately after. I was embarrassed to let her catch me there, alone and picking up girls. It was the most stupidest thing to be embarrassed about. I don’t get me at all. I got a text from her, today inviting me to that same club with her friends. In the past, I liked her until I found out she had a boyfriend. I believe she liked me too. She talked to me on my instagram a lot. I kissed her on the cheek, flirting, once when I didn’t know she wasn’t single. She was shocked, but she liked it. She bought me drinks before. Her boyfriend worries about us talking. I don’t see her as what of my targets, not on a conscious level at least. But on a subconcious level, if I were to tell the truth to myself, I still like her. That’s why I panicked when I saw her. I didn’t want her to see that social side of me, though it may have been a good thing. Look at how much power I gave to her that night. She made me abort my mission and leave the club…

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