07/28/15

Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. Or I can cope at least. I’m not feeling too well today. I may be a bit downcast but not much. I’m bothered by something, though. I slept well last night. I don’t think I slept deeply or maybe I did because I woke up two hours later than my alarm time. I’m not sure why. I didn’t do anything different before I went to bed. I meditated, did qiqong, did the visioneering, took a hot bath, and had a half a cup of vodka. Oh, I also drank so Sleepytime Tea. I didn’t whack off. So instead of sleeping six hours, I slept 8 hours. I didn’t do bioenegertics when I woke up because I woke up late and I wanted to edit that girl’s photos today and send them to her. We took a lot of photos. Most of the ones I took with my film camera came out great. The ones I took with my digital camera will require a bit more editing. Anyways, I spent about three hours going through her photos. I sent her 30 photos. That’s way more than enough. I’m not sure of the ones I will put on my website. I have to go through them again so I can make a solid story.

So I missed grappling class because of all of that. I forgot to call my car insurance company again like I needed to. I made myself lunch and dinner and ended up missing my bus to the train station, so I had to drive there. I hate when things are out of order.

Today, I was feeling just a tad bit lonely. I feel like people hate me. They don’t like me, so I’m cutting more people off. I don’t trust people. Some people get jealous over simple things. Am I right about this? And why am I worried about people being jealous so much? I don’t have any close friends. The one that I did have shut me off and I don’t know why. I’m OK with this, though. I know that the healthy thing to do is to make more friends. Or maybe I can just be dark and I could fuel my artwork with my dark feelings. Maybe that’s just how things are meant to be. I can’t wait to create with another girl. I’m going to have a girl do it for free this time and not be so anal about performance and looks, but she definitely has to look good.

I keep thinking about that girl that I am distancing myself from. If she were prettier, I’m sure I’ll be nicer to her. Or maybe not. It’s not my fault though. I gave her more than one chance and my total summation of her is that she’s a lonely and sad girl and is full of drama. I only keep thinking about her because I’m looking at my predicament. I don’t have close friends, and I wonder why. Do I need to donate my friendship to someone like her to get good karma in return? I used to get along better with people. Something feels missing now that I’m slowing down on getting wasted and such. I don’t know what this feeling is. I’m sure I’m going in the right direction. Maybe, naturally, I’m just making more room for better people.

I made definite plans to go to a local nightclub that I know of near me this Friday. I’m going specifically to do pick-up. A guy from the pick-up group posted on facebook that he’s Djing there this Friday, so I took it as a sign 🙂 I will not give up on pick up.  I really really think, that it will help me over all.

I’m feeling electric tonight.
Cruising down the cost going about 99.
I got my bad baby by side.
I know if I go, I will die happy, tonight.

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