Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. The weekend is over, and I’m here at work. I’m not sure how I did all weekend long, but I feel like I put in some effort and did well. I’m not sure where to start this time and I’m not sure what I remember. I finally caught up with a friend of mine, Saturday night. My narcissism and the negativity in my mind, both of which I struggle with, wanted to make me believe that he was jealous of me because I started hanging out with my friend, Mariam, a girl that I met while doing photography at a bar that I frequent. She’s a good artist as well. He’s a musician. He met her too, somehow. I’m not sure how they met, but LA appears to be a really small place because I run into people that I know all the time. Anyways, we had a discussion about her once, and he described her as being “fucking hot.” He had a slight look of envy on his face. Some days after that, I noticed that he spoke with me less and less. I just asked myself if he was jealous over Mariam. Some months later, he invited me to some parties and galleries. So last night we hung out at a house party. It was fun. He finally showed up with a very very hot blonde girl. She was extremely hot. I felt about her what he felt about Mariam, I guess. I immediately thought, “well he gets more girls than me,” so I guess he wasn’t jealous over Mariam. I think Mariam is like an 8…maybe 9. I’m sure there are plenty of guys that would say that she’s a 10. She is very beautiful, though. So he thinks she’s a 10 obviously, and I assume that he classifies this girl he showed up with as an 8 or 9, but she’s definitely my 10. I loved her blue eyes. We introduced ourselves too each other and she was very jubilant, and friendly. She shared strong eye contact with me and a long hand shake. That was the perfect opportunity for me to practice holding eye contact as well. I am quickly developing this habit. We parted ways, and I talked with my friend a bit and enjoyed the party. I had a strong beer–Miller Fortune in a tall can, so it was more like 3 beers; so much for not drinking. The more I meditate though, the more I’ll lessen my need for alcohol to be loose.
Some other photographers were at the party. One was another very beautiful blonde haired blue eyed white girl. The other, guy, photographer was her friend. I talked with her a bit and did the whole eye contact thing. She was friendly to me until she found out I was another photographer. Artist are too competitive; I’m not. I’m looking to connect with people. She sucked, though. I added her on flickr, today, though. I think I did a good job at questioning her and getting to know her. I sincerely wanted to know everything I asked her.

So anyways, I ran into my friend’s blonde girl again. I started not to talk to her, again because I didn’t want him to think I was hitting on her. But she was standing right next to me, at this point, and I didn’t want to be weird or rude, so I just asked her how do they know each other. She then told me that they were boyfriend and girlfriend in high school. Wow ! If I didn’t want to hit on her then, I definitely didn’t want to do it now. I’ll never get in my friend’s way as far as girls are concerned. So I just continued the conversation just to be friendly and talk and such.  I saw him watch us a few times. I know he was wondering if I was up to something. But I would not be. Eventually I left her and went back to him and the other guys he was talking to. They left, and I went to another party after. She hugged and said she’s sure she’ll see me, again. I’m glad that I saw my friend.

I went to an underground party that night. It was ok. I wanted to do some pick up art. I  tried two times and I got nowhere. I did talk with a Turkish girl for a bit; eye contact and socializing practice again ! We talked for maybe 20 minutes. We had two sessions of talk that night. I should have asked her out on the first talk, but I didn’t. When I caught her later that night her face was in her phone and she seemed disinterested. I gave a small try to a girl that sat next to me, but she didn’t talk much. She was disinterested, and besides, her boyfriend came and sat next to her later. I concluded that I shouldn’t do pick-up here and that I should go to the normal clubs next week and do pick up on normal girls. We’ll see how that works. I find normal clubs to be annoying and boring, but I’m sure it will benefit me. During the rest of the night I just socialized and danced and took one photo of a black girl. She was rude to me during the entire night, though. no biggie. I can’t get along with everyone.

Today, I went to the pool party. I didn’t stay long. I sort of let the fact that I was there alone bother me. I had a beer and I swam a bit. I had shown up too early, too. Either way, I have to get over the fact that I go out alone, so much. It’s no big deal, and I didn’t see why it’s even a thought in my head. I felt like I needed to be home, so I went home and cooked a nice meal and went to sleep for a very long time. I guess I was tired. I wanted to do some things out of a Tony Robbins book that I’m reading(“Money Master The Game”) but, I slept a lot longer than I intended. I woke up and had coffee and then I went to work.

Thanks for listening. I’m sure this week will be good.
Take care !

Your mind is in disturbia
It’s like the darkness is the light
Am I scaring you tonight?
Ain’t used to what you like

photo of a door with caution signs. It'sblack and white


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