07/18/15

Dear Journal,

How are you feeling? As for me, I’m fine. Things went really well, yesterday. I got plenty of rest. I woke up and did bioenegetic exercises. I went a long hike, and it killed me. The area was beautiful and the trail was tempting. I kept getting curious about “what’s next!? What’s next!?” but I stopped before I went too far because I was alone and I didn’t want to get lost. It was the middle of the afternoon, and I didn’t have much water with me. I plan on going to a trail in Newport Beach, today though. I didn’t go to that one, yesterday as planned. I went to a different one instead. After the hike I went to a party.

I had no clue where I wanted to go, so I just chose the normal events that I always go to because I wanted a mixture of picking up and talking to people that I already knew. I did a lot of socializing. I talked to a guy I met at another party and also talked to some of his friends. I saw a girl with a really boring guy. It was a sad sighting. I stood there dancing, alone, and she kept saying things to me. The guy would look worried, but every time she asked him to dance, he wouldn’t. He just stood there letting her control the night for him. A big part of me felt like I should have just stole her and rescued her. But I just smiled at whatever she was trying to say to me. I have to be more aggressive ! After her, I looked to the right of me and noticed a girl I had shot with, before. I met her online. A part of me said just let her be, because it might be weird if I just came up to her. But I decided to test it out. I hit her on the shoulder and just looked her in the face and smiled. She remembered me, but not much, I guess. She seemed a bit shocked–maybe creeped out. She even asked my name, again ! I was surprised by that. Do I take my subjects too seriously? I had met a lot of girls since that time and I still thought of her and remembered her–not even on a romantic level really. We had way more fun that day. We had lunch together and she wanted to shoot again, but I never asked her to do it again. I’m sure she remembered me more than she let off. Where’s the normal hug and a big exciting “Hey, how have you been!?” Is there something not normal about seeing a person that you had shot, in private with before, at a party? I’m not sure if I was right or not, but she seemed uncomfortable, maybe. So I didn’t talk to her long. I just went back to dancing alone. She was very beautiful, though–huge breast and long, natural, red hair and freckles. It’s not even her beauty that I admired, really. It was just that the long red hair reminded me of another girl I had became friends with and took photos of all the time. She was gorgeous without a doubt. She was shy and soft spoken. She had very beautiful long red hair and big full lips and a big booty. She moved over twenty miles away and is on a new journey in her life. Instead of trying to stayed tied to her, I just let things take their natural course. I hope to just run into her again. I was going to visit her out there once and do a big shoot, but I flaked. That was a really bad decision.

I tried not to drink. I lasted a long time without drinking, but the whole time my voice was low and I didn’t display a whole lot of energy. Then I said “fuck this.” All I had was one beer and I felt pretty good and my energy level went way up. I started talking to people. At soon as I finished my beer, I noticed one girl that I thought was beautiful. I walked up to her, and I think I just flat out told her she was cute. I made the quick “pick-up or photograph decision,” and I think I just told myself screw it. I’ll mix both. I did. She was very very obedient. The whole thing may have lasted an hour. She did everything I had asked her. I didn’t go for clothes off, but I’m sure if I had asked, she would have. We tried to sneak into the guys bathroom, but we couldn’t make it. It was a very fun experience. Pick-up wise, I didn’t get a phone number or anything. I just gave her my card and my facebook. Besides, the guy who I had snatched her from was her boyfriend. He was cool with the whole thing.

After that. I ran into that girl that I don’t really like, again. I guess I shouldn’t be so cold with her, and I should give her a chance. At one point, when we first met, I did want to have sex with her, so I’m not sure why I have this huge dis-attraction for her now. I think a big part of it has to do with her random gossip. She had been hanging with another girl that I am still attracted to, by the way. I thought they were good friends. But then I had seen her at a party one day and she just randomly mentioned to me, out of nowhere, that that girl gave her guy friend gonorrhea. I knew it was a lie, and I thought it was very distasteful of her, and I made the decision to stay away ever since. I didn’t tell her this, and I say “hi” like normal when I see her. Thinking about it now, makes me want to change my mind and continue to be wishy washy with her and avoid her. I guess sometimes or maybe all the time, very direct communication of intent should be the best option. We’ll see what happens. Anyways, I saw her and we talked and such. She’s always very friendly towards me. I can tell that she’s the type that gets really jealous over guys. I just continued throughout the night and danced and such. I didn’t talk to any other girls. The party was great, and my mind went right into “photograph this!” mode and I started taking random photos of interesting looking people. Then I stopped when I got a reject and started thinking about pick-up, again. At the end of the night, I was finally able to catch a drag queen that was dressed really well. I brought her to the bathroom and started photographing her.
After leaving the party, I tried to catch the train to my car, but I missed the last one, so I chose to go to another party that was near by that was ending at 5am. I made it there about 3:30 am and just started mingling with people. I told myself to just pick-up and not photograph. I ended up meeting a group of girls there. I don’t know pick-up at all, and I still have my old habits. I’m not very sexually aggressive like pick-up suggest. I’m soft, and I like to talk to girls. So I just talked to them, about random things. The girl that I ended up being in private with asked my age. I’m not sure why I lied or kind of lied. It was totally against the truthful and direct communication mindset I tried to have for myself. She guessed a number, when I made her guess it. I didn’t say yes or no, but I just kept talking to her. I didn’t touch or try to kiss her or anything. I could tell that she was sexual herself and may have wanted that. We eventually departed ways after we connected on instagram. I didn’t even ask for her number. I guess I didn’t know I was interested in her until after the fact. My hand smelled really good when I left her. I’m not sure what I touched. I think she just had on really nice perfume. It was the best I had ever smelled.

After that I made it to the train station. At my stop, I noticed a guy that was at the pick-up seminar I had went to. I walked up to him and told him I had saw him there. He ended up telling me this dumb story and asked me for a ride home. He lived like twenty minutes away from where I had my car. I should have said, “no,” but I am to myself and for myself a lot and every once in a while I’m sure I would need the same favor. The difference is that, I certainly would not have asked someone I barely knew. I’m thinking like, he doesn’t even know me and he’s asking me for a favor already? I drove him home. long story short. I think he’s off a little, and I never want to see him again. I want to be very selective of who I hang out with. Well, I think I wrote a lot, today. I woke up and wrote this. I hope that camera actually works. I did get it wet in the pool that time, before. We’ll see when i get the roll developed. I really hope those pics came out well. I’ll be devastated if I did all that work for nothing. That girl wants her pictures !

Your love ain’t fair

Your love ain’t fair no no no no no
ain’t fair, no no no
ain’t fair, no no no
Your love ain’t fair no no no
Your love ain’t fair no no no no
Your love ain’t fair no no no no
Your love ain’t fair

photo of a hiking trail

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